grumble, grumble....

i figure it's been so long since i wrote on this blog that no-one is reading it any longer. that said, i feel safe to bitch and complain a bit.
in the past 10 days, i've been to the gym 6x, run 2x and have done a yoga practice anywhere from 20 to 90 minutes a day. i've started to feel good again, more in my body and my clothes seem looser. i also am not dreading the upcoming bikini season so much. then, in a few brief moments, my self-esteem crashed again. i ran into a old co-worker this afternoon whom i haven't seen for well over a year. she and i were quite good friends when we worked together and shared a mutual fondness for each other. she is also korean. after a surprised 'hello, so good to see you again!', the next thing out of her mouth was 'you got bigger. i didn't recognize you' as she made the wide-hips signal with her hands. well, this is tough to hear at any time and this is the second time i've heard this from a korean friend since i returned here. yet, just yesterday at the corner store i had a older woman tell me i had a 'perfect body' with the much-coveted 's-line' shape (meaning hourglass).
i don't get it. i'm 165 cms and 130 lbs. i wear a size 4 pant and have above-average muscle mass. i'm not fat. i know this yet hearing these comments on my body has me feeling hopeless. true, i am 5 or 6 lbs over what i consider my healthiest weight and i know that will come off on it's own as my activity level increases as the summer goes on. what bothers me the most is that after hearing my friend say that, i obsessed over it ALL DAY! i felt down on myself, chastised myself for the dark chocolate i ate the night before, and avoided the mirror while i was out shopping. i could feel my thoughts dragging me down into a spiral of negative-self criticism and worked hard at refusing to go there and feel mentally exhausted from it all.
after continuing to ponder this further, i started to think about how much energy, time and effort i've spent in my life feeling bad about my body when truly it's a beautiful gift. this body has brought me to far off lands, served me well in all my athletic endeavors and and continues to amaze me in my yoga practice. why do i even care or am affected by someone else's opinion?
perhaps i need to remind myself that in light of all the tragedy occurring in the world these moments, does the shape of my butt really matter? is keeping my body fit not just a way to keep myself healthy so that i may better serve my community? and is my ego, my self-esteem, so dependent on others approval of my physical appearance?
all things to ponder while i go sweat it out on eliptical at the gym tonight...

doooooood!

i am a serious people-watcher and toronto is giving me an eye-full. there are so many different cultures, accents, and styles humming around this city yet with a distinctive 'canadian' flavour. the maple leaf flag is flown everywhere but usually accompanied with a partner displaying the 'old country's' emblem. i've been spending a lot of time exploring my surroundings and in the yoga studio on yonge and eglington where i will start work tomorrow evening. i've been at this studio almost everyday since returning to canada for classes with anusara teacher's michael and cynthia. this morning was michael's last class before he left on two weeks of holidays and he lead a packed, dynamic (re: high-sweat factor) class starting off with 10 deep lunge jump-switches on each side, which was just the beginning. i look forward to his return but in the meantime will be soaking up all of cynthia's intuitive teachings. i'm also keeping my eyes and ears open for a sangha and a temple to pray in while i try not to think of the chedi view too much. i've been speaking with many korean people here but haven't come across any thai speakers yet. there's so much to discover here. i think that used to be on ontario's license plate: 'yours to discover'.

satya part 2......

i've had a request from a dear friend recently to once again update this blog and it got me thinking as to why i don't write here as often as i have in the past. i've touched on this before but the truth is this; i didn't feel like i could freely speak out what was in my heart and lost motivation to give out itineraries of my daily life. sure i could talk about how i spent the past week in laos and burma on a visa run, how i didn't have enough pages in my passport and there is no canadian consulate in either place meaning after i had spent over 25 hours on a bus, and immigration was telling me i had to make another 14 hour bus trip to bangkok to get a new passport.
but i don't really care about all that. it all worked out the way it always does and will.
what i haven't been writing about was the difficulties i experienced in the past year. the heartbreak over the ending of my romantic relationship with greg and the solitary days that followed. how hard it was to no longer have him in my life not only as my boyfriend but as my family and companion. the futile attempts i made at dating that only left me feeling even more alone and hopeless that i would ever fall in love again. and that weighs heavily. was greg my last chance at love? for children (don't ask, it's a long painful story)?
my biological clock came into new awareness 5 years ago when a korean tcm told me that if i wanted children, i better have them soon or it wasn't going to happen. the biological clock. in no way am i wishing i was any age other then what i am but damn that clock. i feel like i have to make decisions about my future with that constant ticking in the back of my mind. i hate it.
i met this man in koh samui last january. it was my birthday and we were having a chat over some coconut juice. after sharing some life-experience stories, he peered deeply into my face and said 'your amazing, your beautiful, your perfect and YOU don't have a boyfriend? whats wrong with you?' i've been wondering the same thing ever since.
and then there's my family. i have a lot of guilt at my lack of involvement. i feel sad at how such distance has grown between all of us over years i've been out of canada and it keeps growing. last week i got an email from my father saying he was living in china for the next few months. i had no idea. i finally managed to get him and my stepmother on the phone, the first we've spoken since i left canada seven months ago. my mother's mother is very ill and probably will not live much longer. my mother is making difficult decisions regarding my nana's will and funeral. yet i am here in thailand, unable to offer any support. i've seen my brother's children on average once every 18 months since they were born.
what am i doing here?
one of my nieces' wrote to me 'you have such an amazing life. no wonder you never want to come back here'. i'm afraid to. how can i fit in again? how can i live and find a job that i like? a lifestyle i enjoy? is going home to canada the answer to the sense of discontent i've had for so long? will it lead to me to place where i feel like i belong and can contribute to the community? or is it just a place and the 'lostness' will always be inside me?
i am a 36 year old woman who has been blessed with such wonderful opportunities and given so many options to choose from. i am capable of dealing with the most ruthless asian tuk-tuk drivers and can hold myself in hand stand for almost two minutes. yet i am completely fearful that i may fail at this thing called life and spend my time selfishly looking for happiness.
so there it is. the yucky side of my head and heart. it's frightening to put this out there but it is indeed my truth.

alloy mahk!!

today for the first time in all the my eight visits to thailand, i was able to order, politely, the food that i wanted and inquire to how much i owed after i was finished. the highlight in all of this was that i was understood through this complex tonal language. the waitress/cook laughed with joy at my knowledge. i giggled with relief knowing i wasn't as helpless (ie. ignorant) as i had been in the past. yay!
this delightful experience was a small sparkle in a tedious day of taking a 5 hour bus trip to the burmese border so that i might cross a bridge and turn around again to obtain another 1-month visa. this was my second 'visa run' ever and i decided to do it independently rather than pack myself into a sardine-style minivan along with several other farangs (foreigners). going on my own meant i could decide when to leave (5:15 am) and when to come back. after strolling through a near-by market filled with knock-off name brands and kids selling cigarettes and viagra to every passing tourist, i made my way back to the bus station and another toiling bus journey. next time, i'm going to laos. or indonesia.
life has been passing happily, albeit quickly, here in chiang mai. it's been much-needed social whirlwind for me as i connect, immerse and grow in the ever-evolving community. hanging out at the rasta bars and dancing to live reggae til 2 am feels good, too :)
gareth from korea has been in town for the past week and we've managed to get out climbing to crazy horse twice. the crag is spectacular with lots of overhung limestone routes, including some awesome multi-pitch routes with unbelievable views. i hope to get at least one more day with him before he leaves but the disappearing act pulled by my cellphone has made contact a little difficult. phone shopping is on the agenda tomorrow.

say 'hello'.....

a few years ago, i stepped off a plane in seoul and found myself in the ex-pat neighbourhood of itaewon. jetlagged and starving, i wandered the streets at 6 am in search of some food but unable to speak a lick of korean and completely ignorant of korean food save for some bad kimchi i had once. nothing was open at that hour except for a small, hole-in-the-wall place which the adjuma (grandmother) warmly waved me inside as i peered intently to see what sort of food she was cooking up. i ducked into the narrow entrance and clutched my hands to my belly and what i hoped was hunger showing on my face. she let out a string of korean , probably asking me what i wanted, but all i could do was shrug my shoulders, hold my hands out and smile a lot. i pointed to a few things on the counter near her cooking area that i liked and she laughingly ushered me to a seat, unable to stand seeing anyone go hungry in her vicinity. as i perched on the red, plastic stool, i wondered what would arrive at the table for me, not unlike the feeling of excited anticipation on christmas day or my birthday. when she continued to put assured smiles in my direction, i knew i was in good hands. i also knew i was exactly where i suppose to be in the world in that moment.

this ones for greg....

as i chatted with greg the other day on skype, he reminded me that i still had at least one person who checked this blog 'so could i write something, please?' well, here is how my day went.....
yesterday as i was recovering from a saki/snowboarding hangover, it started to snow heavily and was accumulating quickly. i knew if it was building up in town, the ski hill would be getting dumped on and today would certainly be a coveted korean powder day. when it was still snowing at 10 pm, i made the decision to put packing up my apartment aside for the morning and proceeded to make the best 'play' list on my ipod to keep me company as all my usual boarding partners were back at school. by 7:30 am , i was out the door and greeted by a thick blanket of white covering the city which only increased in density as i drove the 30 minute trip to yongpyeong. with a belly full of anticipation, i turned off the highway and made my way to my favourite board rental shop and laughed to myself to see the parking lot buried under 20 cms. of new snow. leaving the car at the side of the road, i tossed on the flashers, ran inside the shop, and the owners knowing me well already, had my size boots and board ready to go. the laughing inside me continued when 10 minutes later i pulled into yongpyeong's parking lot and found myself to be the third car there. boots on, board in hand, ipod tuned up and the gondola deposited me to the top of the mountain. the snow was thick, fluffy and better than i could have imagined. once i had the bindings done up tight, i skipped songs on the ipod until i got to my latest favourite song; teagan and sarah's 'the con', cranked it and jumped up in a 180' to clap my hands together in playful delight. it was pure bliss. singing at the top of my lungs while getting face shot after face shot, having to jump-turn due to all the powder, and taking every jump i could fathom-it was 'the' day.
on my fourth run down with chris cornell crooning in my ear , i was about to pass by two guys taking photos of each other (this is korea after all) when one of them called me over as we shared a grin. i had to cut a sharp turn in order to make it over to them and with the ample snow building up on my board, i wasn't able to slough off enough speed to stop until i landed right in front of, and on top of, who i later learned was 'june'. we all shared a long goofy laugh over this, exchanged some info and of course some pictures. a few minutes later, seon from seoul joined us and we proceeded to whoop it up over the next few runs, enjoying the company and similarity in riding. june and ha jeong liked to go fast and burst out of their turns. seon also liked the speed but had the grace of a ballet dancer as she dug into the snow. i was the total powder hound and stuck to the sides and where ever i could get out of bounds. on the lift rides up, i openly admired the spanky gear the korean crew was decked out in; full burton and arcteryx with the latest boards and bindings of which they were making good use.
after 4 or 5 more runs, june asked me if i'd like to join them for some kimbap and coffee which i readily agreed to. we went inside only to find starbucks had closed at the top for the season and june suggested we go back the bottom for lunch. i thanked him for the offer but as i only had 45 minutes left on my free morning pass, it wouldn't be possible for me to eat and get back up the gondola without paying for the afternoon session. the group was intent on having me there for lunch and ha jeong even offered to pay for my ticket. i laughed and said yes to go down, figuring i had put in a seriously good morning session and should head back to get to the packing anyway. we made our way down yongpyeong's longest slope of 3.7 kms and was led by ha jeong into the facilities. i expected that we would head to the basic, albeit expensive, fastfood restaurants but i heard the words 'galbi' and 'gogi' (beef and meat) being tossed around and wondered where we were heading to and perhaps i should hit the bank machine. before we proceeded to the restaurant though, ha jeong said we had to go to the ticket office. as we walked over, he told me that he and seon were finished for the day but he wanted june and i to board together for the afternoon so he wanted to buy my ticket. he brushed my protests aside and said he had lots of money and wanted to use it to continue this 'happy day'. i bowed deeply as he presented me with such a generous gift and was utterly grateful at such kindness.
unravelling our layers of gortex and fleece as we walked to the resort's restaurant, i finally got a good look at my co-riders and found myself a little caught off guard. with their baggy burton boarding outfits and riding styles, i took them to all be somewhere between 25 to 35. as you do with koreans, we played the age game and soon found out ha jeong was 60, june was 55 and although i didn't ask, i suspect seon was close to 40. as more information was shared, it turns out ha jeong is a 'famous' korean zen master monk, june is his assistant and seon is ha jeong's student. i had been boarding with korea's finest enlightened.
after a lavish lunch, again ha jeong's treat, june and i grabbed a latte as we bid farewell to the other two and headed back up the gondola. between runs on the chairlift, june entertained me with his travel stories of mountain biking all over the world and i introduced him to some of canada's premier music (wintersleep, i mother earth, teagan and sarah) by sharing an earphone. although we were both feeling tired, the snow was still so good, i kept saying 'just one more run!' until we were both beaming from exhaustion and made our way down once again. he asked if i could give him a ride to ha jeong's house just 10 minutes from the hill which turned out to be in a stunning 2-storied condo. after a quick cup a tea, we shared a hug good-bye and thanked each other, smiling ear to ear.
if i've ever questioned why i travel the world, it was days like today that offer me the answer.

shedding more....

once again i sit amongst a pile of yoga pants, trying to cut back on the 8 pairs i want bring (yes, i own that many!). i'm leaving to thailand for a month tomorrow. this trip will be a busy time of cleansing/shedding, acroyoga and assisting jonas westring at his level 1 immersion in chaing mai. i'm a ball of mixed emotions as i start on another journey and long for someone to guide me in the proper path. there are no mistakes, only opportunities to grow.