small...

last night, i had a 'fight' of sorts with a friend that i can't stop thinking about. i had dinner plans with this friend and after a bit of bantering on skype, we agreed to meet in 10 minutes at the kalbi restaurant of choice. after closing the computer, i changed my shirt, brushed my teeth and hair, and pulled on a jacket. spying the recycling outside my door on the way out, i picked it up so i could drop it off across the street and then continue on. i was about a block away from the restaurant when my phone rang; it was the friend and he was furious. 'wtf are you doing?,' he spat out. 'you were suppose to be here 10 minutes ago!'. as he continued to curse at me, i was stunned while i tried to get an apology in and explain that i was just steps from the place. 'your always f***** sorry and your always f***** late. it's rude and i'm going home!'. click.
i burst into tears after that and cried for a long time. i haven't had that much anger directed at me in a long time and i crumbled under it. i also cried for the guilt i felt because, once again, i was late. it seems as though my whole life i have been late, or stressing about being late, or feeling guilty because of being late. i can remember running down the street when i was in primary school, piece of toast hurriedly shoved into my hand by my mother, chasing after my brother and sisters who walked on ahead quickly with irritation. being late is not new to me. although it embarasses me to write this, my friends back home have something called 'jenn time', meaning that i will probably show up 1/2 hour later than what i said i would. i've continually felt i must 'make up' for my lateness by others means; extra effort at my job, staying later than required, or by letting my so-called friend mentioned above speak abusively to me while i said sorry.
in my adult years, i'm conscious of how much stress this causes me and how this is self-inflicted. i've read self-help books, set my clocks and watches ahead, got up 2 hours before i need to be at work. yet still, i am always late. i'm beginning to realize it has to do with my concept of time. to an on-time person, when they look at the clock and see they have 15 minutes before they start work and it takes them 5 to get there, they know its time to go now. me, on the other hand, sees an extra 10 minutes and thinks i could re-organize my sock drawer, or write a post. or take out the recycling. i'm recognizing and being more aware when i do this 'time rationalizing' of sorts but it hasn't stopped the lateness. i'm at a loss for what to do because it seems as though it should be so easy, especially since being late does not serve me in any way. so why am i holding on to such a habit?

jennastar to the rescue!!!

tonight i climbed up the gas pipes on the side of my apartment building to save a kitty in distress. there is something about a crying cat that sounds like a baby to me and i find myself unable to ignore it. the owner of the cat, my neighbour, is a young uni student who often has dirty laundry and trash spilling out his door. i saw him pacing the hall after poking my head out to see where the noise was coming from. he was on the phone, smoke dangling from his lips, trying to sort out a feline rescue of sorts as the cat had jumped out the window at the end of the hall and landed on the small overhang 8 feet below. he went back into his apartment and i went to peek out the window at the cat. when the kitty saw me, he was all glowing eyes and howled at me to save him. that was all i needed. with a towel in hand, i went outside to see if i could somehow climb up to the cat. spying the pipes, i gave them a quick tug in hopes they would hold me. they had a bit of flex to them but after watching greg climb up buildings this way so many times, i figured he weighed more than me and deemed them safe. good karma, good karma, good karma.....when i reached the cat, he came over to me immediately and began to to purr. i gently wrapped him up in the towel so i could carry him down with one hand without getting my eyes scratched out and felt the kitty shaking frantically. with a few more howls and yowls, we jumped down to the ground, safe and sound. the look of shock on my neighbours face upon openning his door and seeing his kitty in my arms will not be forgotten soon. i think he was stunned i managed to get the cat so quickly. hahaha. little did he know he was living next to secret yoga/climbing superhero!!!! well, for cats anyway :0

love lives....

on saturday, october 6, 2007 at 4:30 pm, hana meyer hylenski was born in sok'cho, korea. holding this beautiful creature in my hands and watching her take in the world for the first time brought on a sense of wonder and hope.