satya part 2......

i've had a request from a dear friend recently to once again update this blog and it got me thinking as to why i don't write here as often as i have in the past. i've touched on this before but the truth is this; i didn't feel like i could freely speak out what was in my heart and lost motivation to give out itineraries of my daily life. sure i could talk about how i spent the past week in laos and burma on a visa run, how i didn't have enough pages in my passport and there is no canadian consulate in either place meaning after i had spent over 25 hours on a bus, and immigration was telling me i had to make another 14 hour bus trip to bangkok to get a new passport.
but i don't really care about all that. it all worked out the way it always does and will.
what i haven't been writing about was the difficulties i experienced in the past year. the heartbreak over the ending of my romantic relationship with greg and the solitary days that followed. how hard it was to no longer have him in my life not only as my boyfriend but as my family and companion. the futile attempts i made at dating that only left me feeling even more alone and hopeless that i would ever fall in love again. and that weighs heavily. was greg my last chance at love? for children (don't ask, it's a long painful story)?
my biological clock came into new awareness 5 years ago when a korean tcm told me that if i wanted children, i better have them soon or it wasn't going to happen. the biological clock. in no way am i wishing i was any age other then what i am but damn that clock. i feel like i have to make decisions about my future with that constant ticking in the back of my mind. i hate it.
i met this man in koh samui last january. it was my birthday and we were having a chat over some coconut juice. after sharing some life-experience stories, he peered deeply into my face and said 'your amazing, your beautiful, your perfect and YOU don't have a boyfriend? whats wrong with you?' i've been wondering the same thing ever since.
and then there's my family. i have a lot of guilt at my lack of involvement. i feel sad at how such distance has grown between all of us over years i've been out of canada and it keeps growing. last week i got an email from my father saying he was living in china for the next few months. i had no idea. i finally managed to get him and my stepmother on the phone, the first we've spoken since i left canada seven months ago. my mother's mother is very ill and probably will not live much longer. my mother is making difficult decisions regarding my nana's will and funeral. yet i am here in thailand, unable to offer any support. i've seen my brother's children on average once every 18 months since they were born.
what am i doing here?
one of my nieces' wrote to me 'you have such an amazing life. no wonder you never want to come back here'. i'm afraid to. how can i fit in again? how can i live and find a job that i like? a lifestyle i enjoy? is going home to canada the answer to the sense of discontent i've had for so long? will it lead to me to place where i feel like i belong and can contribute to the community? or is it just a place and the 'lostness' will always be inside me?
i am a 36 year old woman who has been blessed with such wonderful opportunities and given so many options to choose from. i am capable of dealing with the most ruthless asian tuk-tuk drivers and can hold myself in hand stand for almost two minutes. yet i am completely fearful that i may fail at this thing called life and spend my time selfishly looking for happiness.
so there it is. the yucky side of my head and heart. it's frightening to put this out there but it is indeed my truth.