satya part 2......

i've had a request from a dear friend recently to once again update this blog and it got me thinking as to why i don't write here as often as i have in the past. i've touched on this before but the truth is this; i didn't feel like i could freely speak out what was in my heart and lost motivation to give out itineraries of my daily life. sure i could talk about how i spent the past week in laos and burma on a visa run, how i didn't have enough pages in my passport and there is no canadian consulate in either place meaning after i had spent over 25 hours on a bus, and immigration was telling me i had to make another 14 hour bus trip to bangkok to get a new passport.
but i don't really care about all that. it all worked out the way it always does and will.
what i haven't been writing about was the difficulties i experienced in the past year. the heartbreak over the ending of my romantic relationship with greg and the solitary days that followed. how hard it was to no longer have him in my life not only as my boyfriend but as my family and companion. the futile attempts i made at dating that only left me feeling even more alone and hopeless that i would ever fall in love again. and that weighs heavily. was greg my last chance at love? for children (don't ask, it's a long painful story)?
my biological clock came into new awareness 5 years ago when a korean tcm told me that if i wanted children, i better have them soon or it wasn't going to happen. the biological clock. in no way am i wishing i was any age other then what i am but damn that clock. i feel like i have to make decisions about my future with that constant ticking in the back of my mind. i hate it.
i met this man in koh samui last january. it was my birthday and we were having a chat over some coconut juice. after sharing some life-experience stories, he peered deeply into my face and said 'your amazing, your beautiful, your perfect and YOU don't have a boyfriend? whats wrong with you?' i've been wondering the same thing ever since.
and then there's my family. i have a lot of guilt at my lack of involvement. i feel sad at how such distance has grown between all of us over years i've been out of canada and it keeps growing. last week i got an email from my father saying he was living in china for the next few months. i had no idea. i finally managed to get him and my stepmother on the phone, the first we've spoken since i left canada seven months ago. my mother's mother is very ill and probably will not live much longer. my mother is making difficult decisions regarding my nana's will and funeral. yet i am here in thailand, unable to offer any support. i've seen my brother's children on average once every 18 months since they were born.
what am i doing here?
one of my nieces' wrote to me 'you have such an amazing life. no wonder you never want to come back here'. i'm afraid to. how can i fit in again? how can i live and find a job that i like? a lifestyle i enjoy? is going home to canada the answer to the sense of discontent i've had for so long? will it lead to me to place where i feel like i belong and can contribute to the community? or is it just a place and the 'lostness' will always be inside me?
i am a 36 year old woman who has been blessed with such wonderful opportunities and given so many options to choose from. i am capable of dealing with the most ruthless asian tuk-tuk drivers and can hold myself in hand stand for almost two minutes. yet i am completely fearful that i may fail at this thing called life and spend my time selfishly looking for happiness.
so there it is. the yucky side of my head and heart. it's frightening to put this out there but it is indeed my truth.

alloy mahk!!

today for the first time in all the my eight visits to thailand, i was able to order, politely, the food that i wanted and inquire to how much i owed after i was finished. the highlight in all of this was that i was understood through this complex tonal language. the waitress/cook laughed with joy at my knowledge. i giggled with relief knowing i wasn't as helpless (ie. ignorant) as i had been in the past. yay!
this delightful experience was a small sparkle in a tedious day of taking a 5 hour bus trip to the burmese border so that i might cross a bridge and turn around again to obtain another 1-month visa. this was my second 'visa run' ever and i decided to do it independently rather than pack myself into a sardine-style minivan along with several other farangs (foreigners). going on my own meant i could decide when to leave (5:15 am) and when to come back. after strolling through a near-by market filled with knock-off name brands and kids selling cigarettes and viagra to every passing tourist, i made my way back to the bus station and another toiling bus journey. next time, i'm going to laos. or indonesia.
life has been passing happily, albeit quickly, here in chiang mai. it's been much-needed social whirlwind for me as i connect, immerse and grow in the ever-evolving community. hanging out at the rasta bars and dancing to live reggae til 2 am feels good, too :)
gareth from korea has been in town for the past week and we've managed to get out climbing to crazy horse twice. the crag is spectacular with lots of overhung limestone routes, including some awesome multi-pitch routes with unbelievable views. i hope to get at least one more day with him before he leaves but the disappearing act pulled by my cellphone has made contact a little difficult. phone shopping is on the agenda tomorrow.

say 'hello'.....

a few years ago, i stepped off a plane in seoul and found myself in the ex-pat neighbourhood of itaewon. jetlagged and starving, i wandered the streets at 6 am in search of some food but unable to speak a lick of korean and completely ignorant of korean food save for some bad kimchi i had once. nothing was open at that hour except for a small, hole-in-the-wall place which the adjuma (grandmother) warmly waved me inside as i peered intently to see what sort of food she was cooking up. i ducked into the narrow entrance and clutched my hands to my belly and what i hoped was hunger showing on my face. she let out a string of korean , probably asking me what i wanted, but all i could do was shrug my shoulders, hold my hands out and smile a lot. i pointed to a few things on the counter near her cooking area that i liked and she laughingly ushered me to a seat, unable to stand seeing anyone go hungry in her vicinity. as i perched on the red, plastic stool, i wondered what would arrive at the table for me, not unlike the feeling of excited anticipation on christmas day or my birthday. when she continued to put assured smiles in my direction, i knew i was in good hands. i also knew i was exactly where i suppose to be in the world in that moment.

this ones for greg....

as i chatted with greg the other day on skype, he reminded me that i still had at least one person who checked this blog 'so could i write something, please?' well, here is how my day went.....
yesterday as i was recovering from a saki/snowboarding hangover, it started to snow heavily and was accumulating quickly. i knew if it was building up in town, the ski hill would be getting dumped on and today would certainly be a coveted korean powder day. when it was still snowing at 10 pm, i made the decision to put packing up my apartment aside for the morning and proceeded to make the best 'play' list on my ipod to keep me company as all my usual boarding partners were back at school. by 7:30 am , i was out the door and greeted by a thick blanket of white covering the city which only increased in density as i drove the 30 minute trip to yongpyeong. with a belly full of anticipation, i turned off the highway and made my way to my favourite board rental shop and laughed to myself to see the parking lot buried under 20 cms. of new snow. leaving the car at the side of the road, i tossed on the flashers, ran inside the shop, and the owners knowing me well already, had my size boots and board ready to go. the laughing inside me continued when 10 minutes later i pulled into yongpyeong's parking lot and found myself to be the third car there. boots on, board in hand, ipod tuned up and the gondola deposited me to the top of the mountain. the snow was thick, fluffy and better than i could have imagined. once i had the bindings done up tight, i skipped songs on the ipod until i got to my latest favourite song; teagan and sarah's 'the con', cranked it and jumped up in a 180' to clap my hands together in playful delight. it was pure bliss. singing at the top of my lungs while getting face shot after face shot, having to jump-turn due to all the powder, and taking every jump i could fathom-it was 'the' day.
on my fourth run down with chris cornell crooning in my ear , i was about to pass by two guys taking photos of each other (this is korea after all) when one of them called me over as we shared a grin. i had to cut a sharp turn in order to make it over to them and with the ample snow building up on my board, i wasn't able to slough off enough speed to stop until i landed right in front of, and on top of, who i later learned was 'june'. we all shared a long goofy laugh over this, exchanged some info and of course some pictures. a few minutes later, seon from seoul joined us and we proceeded to whoop it up over the next few runs, enjoying the company and similarity in riding. june and ha jeong liked to go fast and burst out of their turns. seon also liked the speed but had the grace of a ballet dancer as she dug into the snow. i was the total powder hound and stuck to the sides and where ever i could get out of bounds. on the lift rides up, i openly admired the spanky gear the korean crew was decked out in; full burton and arcteryx with the latest boards and bindings of which they were making good use.
after 4 or 5 more runs, june asked me if i'd like to join them for some kimbap and coffee which i readily agreed to. we went inside only to find starbucks had closed at the top for the season and june suggested we go back the bottom for lunch. i thanked him for the offer but as i only had 45 minutes left on my free morning pass, it wouldn't be possible for me to eat and get back up the gondola without paying for the afternoon session. the group was intent on having me there for lunch and ha jeong even offered to pay for my ticket. i laughed and said yes to go down, figuring i had put in a seriously good morning session and should head back to get to the packing anyway. we made our way down yongpyeong's longest slope of 3.7 kms and was led by ha jeong into the facilities. i expected that we would head to the basic, albeit expensive, fastfood restaurants but i heard the words 'galbi' and 'gogi' (beef and meat) being tossed around and wondered where we were heading to and perhaps i should hit the bank machine. before we proceeded to the restaurant though, ha jeong said we had to go to the ticket office. as we walked over, he told me that he and seon were finished for the day but he wanted june and i to board together for the afternoon so he wanted to buy my ticket. he brushed my protests aside and said he had lots of money and wanted to use it to continue this 'happy day'. i bowed deeply as he presented me with such a generous gift and was utterly grateful at such kindness.
unravelling our layers of gortex and fleece as we walked to the resort's restaurant, i finally got a good look at my co-riders and found myself a little caught off guard. with their baggy burton boarding outfits and riding styles, i took them to all be somewhere between 25 to 35. as you do with koreans, we played the age game and soon found out ha jeong was 60, june was 55 and although i didn't ask, i suspect seon was close to 40. as more information was shared, it turns out ha jeong is a 'famous' korean zen master monk, june is his assistant and seon is ha jeong's student. i had been boarding with korea's finest enlightened.
after a lavish lunch, again ha jeong's treat, june and i grabbed a latte as we bid farewell to the other two and headed back up the gondola. between runs on the chairlift, june entertained me with his travel stories of mountain biking all over the world and i introduced him to some of canada's premier music (wintersleep, i mother earth, teagan and sarah) by sharing an earphone. although we were both feeling tired, the snow was still so good, i kept saying 'just one more run!' until we were both beaming from exhaustion and made our way down once again. he asked if i could give him a ride to ha jeong's house just 10 minutes from the hill which turned out to be in a stunning 2-storied condo. after a quick cup a tea, we shared a hug good-bye and thanked each other, smiling ear to ear.
if i've ever questioned why i travel the world, it was days like today that offer me the answer.

shedding more....

once again i sit amongst a pile of yoga pants, trying to cut back on the 8 pairs i want bring (yes, i own that many!). i'm leaving to thailand for a month tomorrow. this trip will be a busy time of cleansing/shedding, acroyoga and assisting jonas westring at his level 1 immersion in chaing mai. i'm a ball of mixed emotions as i start on another journey and long for someone to guide me in the proper path. there are no mistakes, only opportunities to grow.

petal droppings.....

this past week-end was a whirlwind of rushing about so i could catch a last-minute flight to hong kong to once again study with john friend. i was contacted several weeks ago by vanessa crow, whom i did my teacher training with in thailand last year , and she told me that john was going to be holding a workshop at pure yoga, where her and her husband copper have been teaching for the past two years. i've been exchanging quite a bit of email with vanessa as of late as i put out the word to the asian kula (community) that i'm seeking a full-time yoga teaching job next year and pure yoga is often hiring. vanessa invited me to stay at her place, saying it was a good opportunity to check things out while studying with my teacher. after hearing about last minute flights going to h.k for $300 from a co-worker ,i decided to register myself in the workshop only to be told that it had been full for quite some time. i figured the universe was telling me it wasn't the time to go until i received an email wednesday night telling me pure had moved the workshop to a larger venue and was i still interested in attending. by thursday morning, i had myself booked on a sweet cathay flight and a gluten-free vegetarian meal was awaiting me at 7:45 pm friday.
this workshop was a completely different scene than what was in tokyo, right from the start of the glitzy pure studio to the 150+ yogi's who were attending. the practice room was organic with anticipatory energy when vanessa and i went in to claim our mats yet john still noticed when we walked in and came over to welcome me with a warm hug. the classes that proceeded were some of the toughest i've been in yet and it was wonderful to have vanessa beside me, a highly trained yogini, to give insights and pointers. we laughed, farted, and bitched to each other, just like old times in the a.u.a center in chiang mai and she did a very good job in telling me why i should come to work for pure. she also took me through a tour of the health food and organic supermarkets plus lunch at a raw foods restaurant called 'live'. this woman knows me well.
the time flew by and before i knew it, i was on the plane back to korea. i did manage to meet paveena, the woman who would do the hiring, and patrick, the anusara teacher whom i'd like to study under. paveena let me know that in order for me to be considered for a position there, i would need to tape a class of me teaching, which absolutely terrifies me. yikes. i'm also looking at bangkok as a potential place for work next year and will start applying in the next week or so for something at the end of february. everything is feeling so uncertain now as i leave my past behind and begin to turn to a completely different direction and i pray i'm making the right decisions. note to self; remember to breathe.

love shape monster

here it is, a week before finals, and i'm still marking my mid-terms. i've been putting off correcting my 3rd year junior mid-terms as there were several short essay questions in the format, which means a somewhat tedious struggle to understand what my students are trying to express. upon getting into them, i realized i had forgotten how entertaining they can be. one of the questions on the test was 'describe your ideal date and be specific'. here's what a male student that goes by the nickname 'blurry' wrote;

we would meet and go to the pc room (internet cafe) to play the games
we buy some game items and fried chicken and go to house and make the love shape monster
sadly, this will never happen.....:(

i'm still chuckling over that one. romance lives!!