it's almost over....or it's just begun

wow! the time has been flying here in c.m and here it is the eve of my last day of the teacher training course. i've just returned from one of the local yoga studio's where our group of 30 met up to put on 'skits' for our peers. i am simply amazed at the talent that came out of my new friends. from impromtu songs, tibetan chanting, body percussion, hints on learning how to draw, to a hilarious satire on sara, one of the teachers. i was part of a dance troup with our two beautiful greeks in the group, anastas and penni. the greeks were kind enough to show 6 of us girls a few sexy dance moves and we intertwined them with a few anusara movements. it was a very fun night and my face is a bit sore from smiling so much. nice.
earlier this week i returned from a meditation retreat held in the country side about a half hour outside of c.m city. it was so good to get out of the smoggy city and see some real life and fresh air. the retreat was run by two buddhist women who specialize in working with female activists who get burnt out from all the negativity they face. the setting was beautiful especially the temple the women built themselves. we required to wake at 5:30 am to be in sitting meditation for an hour at 6 am and sworn to noble silence shortly after we arrived. we sat 4 times a day with luscious vegetarian meals between. we were warned by sara not to eat too much, which often happens when you have no other distractions, but the food was so good, i don't think anyone listened. hence a lot of falling over and nodding off during sitting times, myself included. after the sittings, we would have 'personal time' which meant we could continue our meditation in any way we pleased; walking, laying down (i love the sleeping meditation - heehee) or riding one of the retreats' bikes around the farmlands. i chose the latter and had some tranquil moments riding with vanessa, watching the sun come up and seeing the thai people hard at work in the organic fields.
the meditation part did not come easy to me. i was using all the techniques that i had been taught like counting my breath cycles. i would go through 10 rounds, counting on my fingers and then poke around in my mind to see if anything had changed. nope, still the same. back to counting. in the dharma discussions that followed, a very enlightened member of the yoga group explained that there was no point in waiting for any big change to happen or light to go off in you head. there is no 'aha!' moment because you are already there and need to learn to be with that moment instead of thinking about the past or planning for the future, pretty much what our thoughts are doing all the time. it's that simple.
in our first class back from returning to the city, we had something called an 'integration circle'. it's here where all members are invited to share whatever they like and the topics are often deeply personal with heavy emotional depth. i hadn't spoken at any of the previous circles and was determined to say something, knowing it was the last one we were to have. when sara called out that there was time for one more person, i threw up my hand. before i even began to speak, tears were streaming down my face and i was visibly shaking. i had intended to keep it light, compliment sara and jonas on their great teaching job and how happy i was to be there. instead what came out were thoughts and feelings about the tsunami almost exactly 2 years ago. as i sobbed, out came my guilt and shame for not helping out more, for withdrawing instead of reacting, for feeling like i only took from this country and didn't give enough when it needed it. sorting through my thoughts during the meditations, i realized these feelings of withdrawal have been growing in me and it's been a lonley two years. i came to this training not only to learn about yoga but to learn about myself, open myself, and look into my fear instead of turning away from it.
as i expressed these emotions to the group, i made a point of looking around to each and every persons eyes. what i saw there was astounding; caring, support, love, admiration, and more tears. what struck me the most though was that everyone was exactly there at that moment, not looking down or off in the distance. they were there, with me, empathizing with my pain. since that time, i've felt more alive and open than i have in years. i felt somewhat embarrassed afterwards at showing my vulnerable side but it feels like it strengthened my ties to the people around me and my new friendships have grown deeper. such is the wonder of being present.
this morning i picked up my visa for india. i'll be flying to bangalore next tuesday and will be heading to mysore the following day to meet up with penni. she has been to mysore several times for ashtanga yogic study and we will share an apartment when we get there. at this point, i'm feeling a bit yoga'ed out and leaning towards the ayurvedic (traditonal indian medicine) massage and some cleansing. i'm tired. my body, albeit it's stronger, is tired. my head is tired. i'm in need of some r'n'r and i find it somewhat humorous that i'm heading to chaotic india in search of that. penni claims though that we will be much closer to 'the nature' in mysore with options of sanskrit study or meditation to occupy us. sounds good to me.