i've had a request from a dear friend recently to once again update this blog and it got me thinking as to why i don't write here as often as i have in the past. i've touched on this before but the truth is this; i didn't feel like i could freely speak out what was in my heart and lost motivation to give out itineraries of my daily life. sure i could talk about how i spent the past week in laos and burma on a visa run, how i didn't have enough pages in my passport and there is no canadian consulate in either place meaning after i had spent over 25 hours on a bus, and immigration was telling me i had to make another 14 hour bus trip to bangkok to get a new passport.
but i don't really care about all that. it all worked out the way it always does and will.
what i haven't been writing about was the difficulties i experienced in the past year. the heartbreak over the ending of my romantic relationship with greg and the solitary days that followed. how hard it was to no longer have him in my life not only as my boyfriend but as my family and companion. the futile attempts i made at dating that only left me feeling even more alone and hopeless that i would ever fall in love again. and that weighs heavily. was greg my last chance at love? for children (don't ask, it's a long painful story)?
my biological clock came into new awareness 5 years ago when a korean tcm told me that if i wanted children, i better have them soon or it wasn't going to happen. the biological clock. in no way am i wishing i was any age other then what i am but damn that clock. i feel like i have to make decisions about my future with that constant ticking in the back of my mind. i hate it.
i met this man in koh samui last january. it was my birthday and we were having a chat over some coconut juice. after sharing some life-experience stories, he peered deeply into my face and said 'your amazing, your beautiful, your perfect and YOU don't have a boyfriend? whats wrong with you?' i've been wondering the same thing ever since.
and then there's my family. i have a lot of guilt at my lack of involvement. i feel sad at how such distance has grown between all of us over years i've been out of canada and it keeps growing. last week i got an email from my father saying he was living in china for the next few months. i had no idea. i finally managed to get him and my stepmother on the phone, the first we've spoken since i left canada seven months ago. my mother's mother is very ill and probably will not live much longer. my mother is making difficult decisions regarding my nana's will and funeral. yet i am here in thailand, unable to offer any support. i've seen my brother's children on average once every 18 months since they were born.
what am i doing here?
one of my nieces' wrote to me 'you have such an amazing life. no wonder you never want to come back here'. i'm afraid to. how can i fit in again? how can i live and find a job that i like? a lifestyle i enjoy? is going home to canada the answer to the sense of discontent i've had for so long? will it lead to me to place where i feel like i belong and can contribute to the community? or is it just a place and the 'lostness' will always be inside me?
i am a 36 year old woman who has been blessed with such wonderful opportunities and given so many options to choose from. i am capable of dealing with the most ruthless asian tuk-tuk drivers and can hold myself in hand stand for almost two minutes. yet i am completely fearful that i may fail at this thing called life and spend my time selfishly looking for happiness.
so there it is. the yucky side of my head and heart. it's frightening to put this out there but it is indeed my truth.
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3 comments:
what's important to me at this point in my life is that I let no one sway me, pressure me, make choices for me. i want to make choices based on my own experiences and not someone else's. and i aim for simply happiness and the prospect of contributing something positive.
what seems to be the case now in my 30's is that so many people my age are lacking a similar goal, or else lead lives based on the demands and pressures of others. and so i am not connecting to them.
is this something you feel? a disconnect?
if so, i've come to terms with the fact that it is NOT a bad thing. if anything, the opposite.
it strengthens, steadies, and illuminates. what lies in the periphery can be so much more interesting and safe. and fulfilling. at least compared to what lies in that pool in the middle that everyone else focuses on as if it would evaporate tomorrow.
what you feel with regards to canada is something i don't feel however. but i suspect it has something to do with duty. or a pull towards the people you know love you unconditionally. food for thought?
it's possible i don't know what i'm talking about...
Hi Beautiful,
Don't be afraid. Reflecting upon your past, can you think of one time when you weren't able to adapt to something? Of course, some roads have been difficult, but you persevered, and didn't succumb, no matter how difficult is was emotionally or physically. Yes, it's a BIG change, but the truth is, that fire and insight within you that allowed you to be capable of doing a hand stand for 2 minutes isn't going to just dissipate when you return to Canada. And let me tell you girl, if you can deal w/ a Tuk Tuk driver, than I think that's grounds for being able to handle anything that life presents you!!!
Fear will appear and that occurs in all circumstances when you don't know what to expect. I think it would be strange if you weren't a bit scared to return home. But you know what? You should stop feeling guilty about the lack of involvement with your family. Let that go. Regret is pointless and a waste of energy. Think of it this way, you love yourself, right? And if you wouldn't have had your experiences good or bad, you wouldn't be the person you are today (and come on' you would have never met me!). But seriously, the opportunities that life have given you has led you away from home, and now it's time to return and to see how to blend the two together. I can't imagine you having a problem finding a community and a lifestyle that suits you. There are good people everywhere and as you said in your blog 'it all worked out the way it does and will' so why should this be different? And this whole thing with 'boys and babies', I wouldn't worry too much about that. I can't imagine you having any difficulty in that regard. You haven't really been in a stable place for more than a year to find that kind of relationship. It's hard to find a solid companion when neither of you know what your plans are in the coming year.
Remember what you told me about your grandmother? She is in her 80's and you haven't lived half her age! Okay, yes that clock is ticking, but you're 37, many woman have children in their late 30's early 40's. You still have time, for children and to find a partner. As that guy said in koh samui, 'you're perfect' and it's true. It's just your surroundings that haven't been ideal.
Remember Jenna, you attract all the things that you lack.
xoxox
well said marissa! jenn you're a wonderful woman and things will work out for you. (just like they will for me too.....right??) the fears you have about love and life are things many of us feel at one point or another. (i don't mean to patronize with that statement. your fears are real---but remember---you're not alone!) i'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. hugs and kisses........
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