grumble, grumble....

i figure it's been so long since i wrote on this blog that no-one is reading it any longer. that said, i feel safe to bitch and complain a bit.
in the past 10 days, i've been to the gym 6x, run 2x and have done a yoga practice anywhere from 20 to 90 minutes a day. i've started to feel good again, more in my body and my clothes seem looser. i also am not dreading the upcoming bikini season so much. then, in a few brief moments, my self-esteem crashed again. i ran into a old co-worker this afternoon whom i haven't seen for well over a year. she and i were quite good friends when we worked together and shared a mutual fondness for each other. she is also korean. after a surprised 'hello, so good to see you again!', the next thing out of her mouth was 'you got bigger. i didn't recognize you' as she made the wide-hips signal with her hands. well, this is tough to hear at any time and this is the second time i've heard this from a korean friend since i returned here. yet, just yesterday at the corner store i had a older woman tell me i had a 'perfect body' with the much-coveted 's-line' shape (meaning hourglass).
i don't get it. i'm 165 cms and 130 lbs. i wear a size 4 pant and have above-average muscle mass. i'm not fat. i know this yet hearing these comments on my body has me feeling hopeless. true, i am 5 or 6 lbs over what i consider my healthiest weight and i know that will come off on it's own as my activity level increases as the summer goes on. what bothers me the most is that after hearing my friend say that, i obsessed over it ALL DAY! i felt down on myself, chastised myself for the dark chocolate i ate the night before, and avoided the mirror while i was out shopping. i could feel my thoughts dragging me down into a spiral of negative-self criticism and worked hard at refusing to go there and feel mentally exhausted from it all.
after continuing to ponder this further, i started to think about how much energy, time and effort i've spent in my life feeling bad about my body when truly it's a beautiful gift. this body has brought me to far off lands, served me well in all my athletic endeavors and and continues to amaze me in my yoga practice. why do i even care or am affected by someone else's opinion?
perhaps i need to remind myself that in light of all the tragedy occurring in the world these moments, does the shape of my butt really matter? is keeping my body fit not just a way to keep myself healthy so that i may better serve my community? and is my ego, my self-esteem, so dependent on others approval of my physical appearance?
all things to ponder while i go sweat it out on eliptical at the gym tonight...