grumble, grumble....

i figure it's been so long since i wrote on this blog that no-one is reading it any longer. that said, i feel safe to bitch and complain a bit.
in the past 10 days, i've been to the gym 6x, run 2x and have done a yoga practice anywhere from 20 to 90 minutes a day. i've started to feel good again, more in my body and my clothes seem looser. i also am not dreading the upcoming bikini season so much. then, in a few brief moments, my self-esteem crashed again. i ran into a old co-worker this afternoon whom i haven't seen for well over a year. she and i were quite good friends when we worked together and shared a mutual fondness for each other. she is also korean. after a surprised 'hello, so good to see you again!', the next thing out of her mouth was 'you got bigger. i didn't recognize you' as she made the wide-hips signal with her hands. well, this is tough to hear at any time and this is the second time i've heard this from a korean friend since i returned here. yet, just yesterday at the corner store i had a older woman tell me i had a 'perfect body' with the much-coveted 's-line' shape (meaning hourglass).
i don't get it. i'm 165 cms and 130 lbs. i wear a size 4 pant and have above-average muscle mass. i'm not fat. i know this yet hearing these comments on my body has me feeling hopeless. true, i am 5 or 6 lbs over what i consider my healthiest weight and i know that will come off on it's own as my activity level increases as the summer goes on. what bothers me the most is that after hearing my friend say that, i obsessed over it ALL DAY! i felt down on myself, chastised myself for the dark chocolate i ate the night before, and avoided the mirror while i was out shopping. i could feel my thoughts dragging me down into a spiral of negative-self criticism and worked hard at refusing to go there and feel mentally exhausted from it all.
after continuing to ponder this further, i started to think about how much energy, time and effort i've spent in my life feeling bad about my body when truly it's a beautiful gift. this body has brought me to far off lands, served me well in all my athletic endeavors and and continues to amaze me in my yoga practice. why do i even care or am affected by someone else's opinion?
perhaps i need to remind myself that in light of all the tragedy occurring in the world these moments, does the shape of my butt really matter? is keeping my body fit not just a way to keep myself healthy so that i may better serve my community? and is my ego, my self-esteem, so dependent on others approval of my physical appearance?
all things to ponder while i go sweat it out on eliptical at the gym tonight...

doooooood!

i am a serious people-watcher and toronto is giving me an eye-full. there are so many different cultures, accents, and styles humming around this city yet with a distinctive 'canadian' flavour. the maple leaf flag is flown everywhere but usually accompanied with a partner displaying the 'old country's' emblem. i've been spending a lot of time exploring my surroundings and in the yoga studio on yonge and eglington where i will start work tomorrow evening. i've been at this studio almost everyday since returning to canada for classes with anusara teacher's michael and cynthia. this morning was michael's last class before he left on two weeks of holidays and he lead a packed, dynamic (re: high-sweat factor) class starting off with 10 deep lunge jump-switches on each side, which was just the beginning. i look forward to his return but in the meantime will be soaking up all of cynthia's intuitive teachings. i'm also keeping my eyes and ears open for a sangha and a temple to pray in while i try not to think of the chedi view too much. i've been speaking with many korean people here but haven't come across any thai speakers yet. there's so much to discover here. i think that used to be on ontario's license plate: 'yours to discover'.

satya part 2......

i've had a request from a dear friend recently to once again update this blog and it got me thinking as to why i don't write here as often as i have in the past. i've touched on this before but the truth is this; i didn't feel like i could freely speak out what was in my heart and lost motivation to give out itineraries of my daily life. sure i could talk about how i spent the past week in laos and burma on a visa run, how i didn't have enough pages in my passport and there is no canadian consulate in either place meaning after i had spent over 25 hours on a bus, and immigration was telling me i had to make another 14 hour bus trip to bangkok to get a new passport.
but i don't really care about all that. it all worked out the way it always does and will.
what i haven't been writing about was the difficulties i experienced in the past year. the heartbreak over the ending of my romantic relationship with greg and the solitary days that followed. how hard it was to no longer have him in my life not only as my boyfriend but as my family and companion. the futile attempts i made at dating that only left me feeling even more alone and hopeless that i would ever fall in love again. and that weighs heavily. was greg my last chance at love? for children (don't ask, it's a long painful story)?
my biological clock came into new awareness 5 years ago when a korean tcm told me that if i wanted children, i better have them soon or it wasn't going to happen. the biological clock. in no way am i wishing i was any age other then what i am but damn that clock. i feel like i have to make decisions about my future with that constant ticking in the back of my mind. i hate it.
i met this man in koh samui last january. it was my birthday and we were having a chat over some coconut juice. after sharing some life-experience stories, he peered deeply into my face and said 'your amazing, your beautiful, your perfect and YOU don't have a boyfriend? whats wrong with you?' i've been wondering the same thing ever since.
and then there's my family. i have a lot of guilt at my lack of involvement. i feel sad at how such distance has grown between all of us over years i've been out of canada and it keeps growing. last week i got an email from my father saying he was living in china for the next few months. i had no idea. i finally managed to get him and my stepmother on the phone, the first we've spoken since i left canada seven months ago. my mother's mother is very ill and probably will not live much longer. my mother is making difficult decisions regarding my nana's will and funeral. yet i am here in thailand, unable to offer any support. i've seen my brother's children on average once every 18 months since they were born.
what am i doing here?
one of my nieces' wrote to me 'you have such an amazing life. no wonder you never want to come back here'. i'm afraid to. how can i fit in again? how can i live and find a job that i like? a lifestyle i enjoy? is going home to canada the answer to the sense of discontent i've had for so long? will it lead to me to place where i feel like i belong and can contribute to the community? or is it just a place and the 'lostness' will always be inside me?
i am a 36 year old woman who has been blessed with such wonderful opportunities and given so many options to choose from. i am capable of dealing with the most ruthless asian tuk-tuk drivers and can hold myself in hand stand for almost two minutes. yet i am completely fearful that i may fail at this thing called life and spend my time selfishly looking for happiness.
so there it is. the yucky side of my head and heart. it's frightening to put this out there but it is indeed my truth.

alloy mahk!!

today for the first time in all the my eight visits to thailand, i was able to order, politely, the food that i wanted and inquire to how much i owed after i was finished. the highlight in all of this was that i was understood through this complex tonal language. the waitress/cook laughed with joy at my knowledge. i giggled with relief knowing i wasn't as helpless (ie. ignorant) as i had been in the past. yay!
this delightful experience was a small sparkle in a tedious day of taking a 5 hour bus trip to the burmese border so that i might cross a bridge and turn around again to obtain another 1-month visa. this was my second 'visa run' ever and i decided to do it independently rather than pack myself into a sardine-style minivan along with several other farangs (foreigners). going on my own meant i could decide when to leave (5:15 am) and when to come back. after strolling through a near-by market filled with knock-off name brands and kids selling cigarettes and viagra to every passing tourist, i made my way back to the bus station and another toiling bus journey. next time, i'm going to laos. or indonesia.
life has been passing happily, albeit quickly, here in chiang mai. it's been much-needed social whirlwind for me as i connect, immerse and grow in the ever-evolving community. hanging out at the rasta bars and dancing to live reggae til 2 am feels good, too :)
gareth from korea has been in town for the past week and we've managed to get out climbing to crazy horse twice. the crag is spectacular with lots of overhung limestone routes, including some awesome multi-pitch routes with unbelievable views. i hope to get at least one more day with him before he leaves but the disappearing act pulled by my cellphone has made contact a little difficult. phone shopping is on the agenda tomorrow.

say 'hello'.....

a few years ago, i stepped off a plane in seoul and found myself in the ex-pat neighbourhood of itaewon. jetlagged and starving, i wandered the streets at 6 am in search of some food but unable to speak a lick of korean and completely ignorant of korean food save for some bad kimchi i had once. nothing was open at that hour except for a small, hole-in-the-wall place which the adjuma (grandmother) warmly waved me inside as i peered intently to see what sort of food she was cooking up. i ducked into the narrow entrance and clutched my hands to my belly and what i hoped was hunger showing on my face. she let out a string of korean , probably asking me what i wanted, but all i could do was shrug my shoulders, hold my hands out and smile a lot. i pointed to a few things on the counter near her cooking area that i liked and she laughingly ushered me to a seat, unable to stand seeing anyone go hungry in her vicinity. as i perched on the red, plastic stool, i wondered what would arrive at the table for me, not unlike the feeling of excited anticipation on christmas day or my birthday. when she continued to put assured smiles in my direction, i knew i was in good hands. i also knew i was exactly where i suppose to be in the world in that moment.

this ones for greg....

as i chatted with greg the other day on skype, he reminded me that i still had at least one person who checked this blog 'so could i write something, please?' well, here is how my day went.....
yesterday as i was recovering from a saki/snowboarding hangover, it started to snow heavily and was accumulating quickly. i knew if it was building up in town, the ski hill would be getting dumped on and today would certainly be a coveted korean powder day. when it was still snowing at 10 pm, i made the decision to put packing up my apartment aside for the morning and proceeded to make the best 'play' list on my ipod to keep me company as all my usual boarding partners were back at school. by 7:30 am , i was out the door and greeted by a thick blanket of white covering the city which only increased in density as i drove the 30 minute trip to yongpyeong. with a belly full of anticipation, i turned off the highway and made my way to my favourite board rental shop and laughed to myself to see the parking lot buried under 20 cms. of new snow. leaving the car at the side of the road, i tossed on the flashers, ran inside the shop, and the owners knowing me well already, had my size boots and board ready to go. the laughing inside me continued when 10 minutes later i pulled into yongpyeong's parking lot and found myself to be the third car there. boots on, board in hand, ipod tuned up and the gondola deposited me to the top of the mountain. the snow was thick, fluffy and better than i could have imagined. once i had the bindings done up tight, i skipped songs on the ipod until i got to my latest favourite song; teagan and sarah's 'the con', cranked it and jumped up in a 180' to clap my hands together in playful delight. it was pure bliss. singing at the top of my lungs while getting face shot after face shot, having to jump-turn due to all the powder, and taking every jump i could fathom-it was 'the' day.
on my fourth run down with chris cornell crooning in my ear , i was about to pass by two guys taking photos of each other (this is korea after all) when one of them called me over as we shared a grin. i had to cut a sharp turn in order to make it over to them and with the ample snow building up on my board, i wasn't able to slough off enough speed to stop until i landed right in front of, and on top of, who i later learned was 'june'. we all shared a long goofy laugh over this, exchanged some info and of course some pictures. a few minutes later, seon from seoul joined us and we proceeded to whoop it up over the next few runs, enjoying the company and similarity in riding. june and ha jeong liked to go fast and burst out of their turns. seon also liked the speed but had the grace of a ballet dancer as she dug into the snow. i was the total powder hound and stuck to the sides and where ever i could get out of bounds. on the lift rides up, i openly admired the spanky gear the korean crew was decked out in; full burton and arcteryx with the latest boards and bindings of which they were making good use.
after 4 or 5 more runs, june asked me if i'd like to join them for some kimbap and coffee which i readily agreed to. we went inside only to find starbucks had closed at the top for the season and june suggested we go back the bottom for lunch. i thanked him for the offer but as i only had 45 minutes left on my free morning pass, it wouldn't be possible for me to eat and get back up the gondola without paying for the afternoon session. the group was intent on having me there for lunch and ha jeong even offered to pay for my ticket. i laughed and said yes to go down, figuring i had put in a seriously good morning session and should head back to get to the packing anyway. we made our way down yongpyeong's longest slope of 3.7 kms and was led by ha jeong into the facilities. i expected that we would head to the basic, albeit expensive, fastfood restaurants but i heard the words 'galbi' and 'gogi' (beef and meat) being tossed around and wondered where we were heading to and perhaps i should hit the bank machine. before we proceeded to the restaurant though, ha jeong said we had to go to the ticket office. as we walked over, he told me that he and seon were finished for the day but he wanted june and i to board together for the afternoon so he wanted to buy my ticket. he brushed my protests aside and said he had lots of money and wanted to use it to continue this 'happy day'. i bowed deeply as he presented me with such a generous gift and was utterly grateful at such kindness.
unravelling our layers of gortex and fleece as we walked to the resort's restaurant, i finally got a good look at my co-riders and found myself a little caught off guard. with their baggy burton boarding outfits and riding styles, i took them to all be somewhere between 25 to 35. as you do with koreans, we played the age game and soon found out ha jeong was 60, june was 55 and although i didn't ask, i suspect seon was close to 40. as more information was shared, it turns out ha jeong is a 'famous' korean zen master monk, june is his assistant and seon is ha jeong's student. i had been boarding with korea's finest enlightened.
after a lavish lunch, again ha jeong's treat, june and i grabbed a latte as we bid farewell to the other two and headed back up the gondola. between runs on the chairlift, june entertained me with his travel stories of mountain biking all over the world and i introduced him to some of canada's premier music (wintersleep, i mother earth, teagan and sarah) by sharing an earphone. although we were both feeling tired, the snow was still so good, i kept saying 'just one more run!' until we were both beaming from exhaustion and made our way down once again. he asked if i could give him a ride to ha jeong's house just 10 minutes from the hill which turned out to be in a stunning 2-storied condo. after a quick cup a tea, we shared a hug good-bye and thanked each other, smiling ear to ear.
if i've ever questioned why i travel the world, it was days like today that offer me the answer.

shedding more....

once again i sit amongst a pile of yoga pants, trying to cut back on the 8 pairs i want bring (yes, i own that many!). i'm leaving to thailand for a month tomorrow. this trip will be a busy time of cleansing/shedding, acroyoga and assisting jonas westring at his level 1 immersion in chaing mai. i'm a ball of mixed emotions as i start on another journey and long for someone to guide me in the proper path. there are no mistakes, only opportunities to grow.

petal droppings.....

this past week-end was a whirlwind of rushing about so i could catch a last-minute flight to hong kong to once again study with john friend. i was contacted several weeks ago by vanessa crow, whom i did my teacher training with in thailand last year , and she told me that john was going to be holding a workshop at pure yoga, where her and her husband copper have been teaching for the past two years. i've been exchanging quite a bit of email with vanessa as of late as i put out the word to the asian kula (community) that i'm seeking a full-time yoga teaching job next year and pure yoga is often hiring. vanessa invited me to stay at her place, saying it was a good opportunity to check things out while studying with my teacher. after hearing about last minute flights going to h.k for $300 from a co-worker ,i decided to register myself in the workshop only to be told that it had been full for quite some time. i figured the universe was telling me it wasn't the time to go until i received an email wednesday night telling me pure had moved the workshop to a larger venue and was i still interested in attending. by thursday morning, i had myself booked on a sweet cathay flight and a gluten-free vegetarian meal was awaiting me at 7:45 pm friday.
this workshop was a completely different scene than what was in tokyo, right from the start of the glitzy pure studio to the 150+ yogi's who were attending. the practice room was organic with anticipatory energy when vanessa and i went in to claim our mats yet john still noticed when we walked in and came over to welcome me with a warm hug. the classes that proceeded were some of the toughest i've been in yet and it was wonderful to have vanessa beside me, a highly trained yogini, to give insights and pointers. we laughed, farted, and bitched to each other, just like old times in the a.u.a center in chiang mai and she did a very good job in telling me why i should come to work for pure. she also took me through a tour of the health food and organic supermarkets plus lunch at a raw foods restaurant called 'live'. this woman knows me well.
the time flew by and before i knew it, i was on the plane back to korea. i did manage to meet paveena, the woman who would do the hiring, and patrick, the anusara teacher whom i'd like to study under. paveena let me know that in order for me to be considered for a position there, i would need to tape a class of me teaching, which absolutely terrifies me. yikes. i'm also looking at bangkok as a potential place for work next year and will start applying in the next week or so for something at the end of february. everything is feeling so uncertain now as i leave my past behind and begin to turn to a completely different direction and i pray i'm making the right decisions. note to self; remember to breathe.

love shape monster

here it is, a week before finals, and i'm still marking my mid-terms. i've been putting off correcting my 3rd year junior mid-terms as there were several short essay questions in the format, which means a somewhat tedious struggle to understand what my students are trying to express. upon getting into them, i realized i had forgotten how entertaining they can be. one of the questions on the test was 'describe your ideal date and be specific'. here's what a male student that goes by the nickname 'blurry' wrote;

we would meet and go to the pc room (internet cafe) to play the games
we buy some game items and fried chicken and go to house and make the love shape monster
sadly, this will never happen.....:(

i'm still chuckling over that one. romance lives!!

cadeauxs....

while driving back from sok'cho this evening, i was thinking about a future blog to write when i realized its the year aniversary of starting this site. i then began to remember where i was a year ago and the series of events that lead me to this moment; leaving sok'cho and saying good-bye to greg, the teacher training in chiang mai, the experiences in india, returning to thailand to study with jonas, new zealand to see melissa and say good-bye to greg, greg returning to korea where we once again parted ways only to repeat this event when i saw him in japan in june, the beginning of my new job as an english professor at kwandong uni, teaching more yoga than ever, a trip home to n.america with incredible family times and travel experiences, all leading to this past week in tokyo with john friend. this past year has not been easy as i've tried to determine the path that aligns most with my heart and my direction is still not always clear. but life has put some direct signs in front of me that, when followed, have allowed moments of pure joy and bliss. for these gifts, i send out gratitude.

livin' the dream.....

one of my favourite things about travelling is arriving into an unfamiliar place and feeling as though i will never be able to orient myself. every landmark seems so far apart and there is a slight anxiety that i will be constantly in a state of 'lostness'. along with that though is the excitement of getting out on foot and start exploring.
after flying into tokyo sunday afternoon, i took a bus into shinjuku , by far one of the busiest areas of the nation. the pulsating neon is home to the 5-day anusara immersion with john friend that began yesterday. i was lucky enough to find a place to stay that was under $100 a night, a score in fact, as i would be sharing an apartment with a few others that included a kitchen and laundry. it is also only one subway stop away. big, big, score. i left the apartment 75 minutes before the class was to begin but finding the studio was a difficult task. alas, the universe guided me along the way and before i knew it, i was seated amongst the yogi's and john, trying to get my heart rate slowed down from my hike to the location, and writing down two reasons why i study, as per requested by john. he only gave a a 2 or 3 minutes and i wrote what came to mind quickly. before i was finished, i heard my name called and john asked me to read out my thoughts. yikes. 52 pairs of eyes turned to me, including one of the greatest yoga teachers in the world. i was terrified and my heart was rapidly coming up my throat. . i swallowed hard and began to speak much what i wrote about in the previous post; how yoga helped me shed my outside layers so that i could truly see my essence. whew. after i finished, there was a small round pf applause and john intricately wove my words into the lecture he was teaching throughout the rest of the morning. i couldn't stop myself frm beaming for the whole day. there i was, almost exactly one year after being introduced to anusara, practicing with the man himself, receiving his adjustments and compliments (he said i was lucky because i had good feet!!!). what a gift! what an honour! what joy!
day two was a little achey. my body was feeling fatigued with all the muscular energy we're putting out, not to mention the length of time we are staying in the poses to really get the proper alignment. i still had an amazing day as i got to know more of yogin's. there is mostly japanese students as to be expected, but there is also 10 of us 'foreigners', most being yoga teachers who work in hongkong, singapore or australia. there are also a couple of san fran guys who've flown in for the week, one of them who knows govinda. ahhhh, the world grows smaller. i was lucky enough to have lunch with today with a few well-travelled japanese women who took me to the most fabulous turkish restaurant. over hummous, baba ganoush and warm, garlicky pita, we exchanged many stories and much laughter. after returning home, i decided to take care of my aches by getting a thai massage just down the road from where i was staying. it was by far one of the best i have received and tomika, the masseus, was more than happy to work deeply and strongly at my throbbing hamstrings. she was wonderful and we even had a small yoga session after she finished with me.
before i left korea, i ran into a friend from sok'cho who is considering moving here in the next year. he asked me to write a post while i was here and share some impressions of tokyo. well, i can say so far that it seems as though everyone speaks some english here and there is every ethinic food you could possibly want. i feel welcome here, its easy to get around and everyone has been willing to help me find my way when i get inevitably lost. i really enjoy the japanese style and the general cleanliness that you don't find in korea although i would miss the easy accessibility to the korean mountains. the aroma of fresh nan from the indian restaurant down the street could possibly win out though :)

human 'being'....

as i sit here surrounded by various ipods and yoga pants in attempt to pack for my trip to japan tomorrow, i have this unshakable feeling deep in my belly that something is my life is shifting. i feel slightly fearful, as i often do faced with change, but there is also a great sense of excitement, like when i was a child admiring our tree on christmas morning and thinking of all the gifts to be unwrapped. thats it. i feel like a present, ready to be tenderly opened.
i'm heading to tokyo for 6 days to study with the master and creator of anusara yoga, john friend. the thought of being in the presence of this man truly moves me. not in a 'movie star/groupie' kind of way but more with deep gratitude for the immense influence this style of yoga has had on me, my perspective, and my direction in life.
it's been a hellish week trying to sort out the time away from my university job. when i first received my acceptance to this course and was informed that a scholarship was available to me to offset the enormous cost, i thought i would never get permission from my school but i had to at least ask. after a two-week wait, the admin's said yes. 8 hours later, they changed their minds again and said no. whoa. at that point, i had already confirmed my arrangements and was faced with a decision; cancel the trip or face the possibility of not being re-signed next semester. luckily, i didn't have to verbalize my decision as the admin's came back a day later and, once again, said yes.
while this was all going on, i made a suggestion to my director's that perhaps i should go talk to the 'higher ups' but was told it was better to let things cool down. i offered to write a thank you letter. this idea also was turned down but then was reversed. seeing a trend here? well, it peaked this morning, less than 24 hours before i'm leaving, when i opened two emails from my directors saying if i valued my job, i had better meet with both of these 'higher ups' before i left. this was suppose to happen sometime between my 9 am to 3:30 pm classes on an extremely busy day for me. after much running around, i was able to track down the 'president' and sit with him for a few minutes in his office. with absolute clarity, i did my best to explain that i was unable to make a choice between my job and yoga because yoga is not something i do, it's who i am. everytime i do a training, workshop or simply step onto my mat, i unravel another layer to get to the inner essence of me and my true nature. it's in that place where i find my 'juice', my rasa, my passion as i continue to open my body, heart and spirit in ways previously incomprehensible to me. it is there where i become a human 'being', not a human 'doing'.

small...

last night, i had a 'fight' of sorts with a friend that i can't stop thinking about. i had dinner plans with this friend and after a bit of bantering on skype, we agreed to meet in 10 minutes at the kalbi restaurant of choice. after closing the computer, i changed my shirt, brushed my teeth and hair, and pulled on a jacket. spying the recycling outside my door on the way out, i picked it up so i could drop it off across the street and then continue on. i was about a block away from the restaurant when my phone rang; it was the friend and he was furious. 'wtf are you doing?,' he spat out. 'you were suppose to be here 10 minutes ago!'. as he continued to curse at me, i was stunned while i tried to get an apology in and explain that i was just steps from the place. 'your always f***** sorry and your always f***** late. it's rude and i'm going home!'. click.
i burst into tears after that and cried for a long time. i haven't had that much anger directed at me in a long time and i crumbled under it. i also cried for the guilt i felt because, once again, i was late. it seems as though my whole life i have been late, or stressing about being late, or feeling guilty because of being late. i can remember running down the street when i was in primary school, piece of toast hurriedly shoved into my hand by my mother, chasing after my brother and sisters who walked on ahead quickly with irritation. being late is not new to me. although it embarasses me to write this, my friends back home have something called 'jenn time', meaning that i will probably show up 1/2 hour later than what i said i would. i've continually felt i must 'make up' for my lateness by others means; extra effort at my job, staying later than required, or by letting my so-called friend mentioned above speak abusively to me while i said sorry.
in my adult years, i'm conscious of how much stress this causes me and how this is self-inflicted. i've read self-help books, set my clocks and watches ahead, got up 2 hours before i need to be at work. yet still, i am always late. i'm beginning to realize it has to do with my concept of time. to an on-time person, when they look at the clock and see they have 15 minutes before they start work and it takes them 5 to get there, they know its time to go now. me, on the other hand, sees an extra 10 minutes and thinks i could re-organize my sock drawer, or write a post. or take out the recycling. i'm recognizing and being more aware when i do this 'time rationalizing' of sorts but it hasn't stopped the lateness. i'm at a loss for what to do because it seems as though it should be so easy, especially since being late does not serve me in any way. so why am i holding on to such a habit?

jennastar to the rescue!!!

tonight i climbed up the gas pipes on the side of my apartment building to save a kitty in distress. there is something about a crying cat that sounds like a baby to me and i find myself unable to ignore it. the owner of the cat, my neighbour, is a young uni student who often has dirty laundry and trash spilling out his door. i saw him pacing the hall after poking my head out to see where the noise was coming from. he was on the phone, smoke dangling from his lips, trying to sort out a feline rescue of sorts as the cat had jumped out the window at the end of the hall and landed on the small overhang 8 feet below. he went back into his apartment and i went to peek out the window at the cat. when the kitty saw me, he was all glowing eyes and howled at me to save him. that was all i needed. with a towel in hand, i went outside to see if i could somehow climb up to the cat. spying the pipes, i gave them a quick tug in hopes they would hold me. they had a bit of flex to them but after watching greg climb up buildings this way so many times, i figured he weighed more than me and deemed them safe. good karma, good karma, good karma.....when i reached the cat, he came over to me immediately and began to to purr. i gently wrapped him up in the towel so i could carry him down with one hand without getting my eyes scratched out and felt the kitty shaking frantically. with a few more howls and yowls, we jumped down to the ground, safe and sound. the look of shock on my neighbours face upon openning his door and seeing his kitty in my arms will not be forgotten soon. i think he was stunned i managed to get the cat so quickly. hahaha. little did he know he was living next to secret yoga/climbing superhero!!!! well, for cats anyway :0

love lives....

on saturday, october 6, 2007 at 4:30 pm, hana meyer hylenski was born in sok'cho, korea. holding this beautiful creature in my hands and watching her take in the world for the first time brought on a sense of wonder and hope.

formerly known as a giraffe

here i am, one week after my return from north america and i'm still feeling out of sorts. monday was my first day back at school with a nice ease into the teaching mode by way of short 30-minute orientations for each class. with a promise for a full class next week when all the students return with textbooks in hand, we did some introductions and bade each other good bye.
i don't so much feel like writing at the moment but do feel like sharing some fun i've been having with the photo booth option on my mac. perhaps they will convey how i'm feeling these days.



this is how i must look to some people here by the way they stare at me


this is how i've been walking around since i returned to korea - with the blinders on

my 'edutainer' face, especially prominent during monday 9 am conversation classes

the face i'm actually making on the inside during the monday 9 am class

vata derranged

3:30 am wake-up call from my mother. 5 am check-in at toronto airport. 3 1/2 hour flight to dallas. 12 1/2 hour flight to tokyo. 3 hour flight to seoul. 4 hour drive to my apartment in gangneung with a 2 hour nap at the side of the road. with no sense of grounding, i've landed back in korea feeling dazed and confused. my survival instincts kicked in reminding me of my priorities- water. standing in the grocery store this morning, wearily and tearily looking around for anything that appealed to me to eat or drink and noticing nothing, my brother's parting words sprang into my thoughts; ' see you in a few years'.

juicedfully 2

juicefully

once again, i'm marvelling at the length of time between my posts. its not like i never think about it and practically every night i formulate some story to share. so why don't i write? and why have my posts dropped off dramatically since last february? a simple thing called truth. blogging my thoughts into the computer means i'm hanging it out there for all to read and those that may read it are probably what i'm going to write about since they the closest to me. but what if what i want to write about hurts them?makes them worry aobut me? what if whats fueling my words is thoughts, feeling, and insights to my relationships? this is where the blockages lie. i can only write what comes from my head and heart. if i don't, it feels trivial like i'm giving my itinerary; 'i did this today, and that yesterday. oh, and i'm going there tomorrow!'. blech. so whats to write about then? how can i let the writing flow expressing what i'm truly thinking while being sensitive to those i may be writing about?
'hmmmmmm', i say, pondering that question while staring out at the new york city skyline. even though the sky is clear and the temperature reasonable for the first time in days, i don't feel motivated to do anything more then tap out some words on the computer. i woke up this morning for the second time in a row having dreamt about being bitten. this first dream involved being bitten repeatedly by a snake with a large head and small body that greg threw at me to scare me playfully. the dream this morning was more chaotic; zombie/vampire-like creatures would bite you and leave their mark on you if they thought you weren't telling the truth. i remember shouting out how i stuff myself with food when i'm feeling lonely, bored, depressed or frustrated, in attempt to 'stuff' all the feelings down, the shame of it bringing me to tears, while a particularily scary- yet-somehow-familiar-faced zombie-man with dark eyes and hair loomed over me. oh, what peculiarities lay deep within my sub-conscious.
i was planning to head off today after spending the past 4 days here attending all the anusara and tantra classes at the fityoga conference and virayoga center. i want to spend more time with family and friends before i fly out on the 22nd but i don't feel like getting in a smoking hot car to do the 10 hour drive. i think i'll go for a run through central park instead. heehee, i laugh to myself, in amazement to where to river of life courses.

ps - the photos above are from a 3-hour funfest i took part in yesterday at virayoga studio with kendal, a yoga teacher from oregon and sharron, a teacher from vira. the pics are sharron giving kendal assists into a pose that i can't remember the name of and sharron demo'ing the full effect. apologies for the sideways views but the comp. is showing the pics a the right way up. strang-gee.