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last night, i had a 'fight' of sorts with a friend that i can't stop thinking about. i had dinner plans with this friend and after a bit of bantering on skype, we agreed to meet in 10 minutes at the kalbi restaurant of choice. after closing the computer, i changed my shirt, brushed my teeth and hair, and pulled on a jacket. spying the recycling outside my door on the way out, i picked it up so i could drop it off across the street and then continue on. i was about a block away from the restaurant when my phone rang; it was the friend and he was furious. 'wtf are you doing?,' he spat out. 'you were suppose to be here 10 minutes ago!'. as he continued to curse at me, i was stunned while i tried to get an apology in and explain that i was just steps from the place. 'your always f***** sorry and your always f***** late. it's rude and i'm going home!'. click.
i burst into tears after that and cried for a long time. i haven't had that much anger directed at me in a long time and i crumbled under it. i also cried for the guilt i felt because, once again, i was late. it seems as though my whole life i have been late, or stressing about being late, or feeling guilty because of being late. i can remember running down the street when i was in primary school, piece of toast hurriedly shoved into my hand by my mother, chasing after my brother and sisters who walked on ahead quickly with irritation. being late is not new to me. although it embarasses me to write this, my friends back home have something called 'jenn time', meaning that i will probably show up 1/2 hour later than what i said i would. i've continually felt i must 'make up' for my lateness by others means; extra effort at my job, staying later than required, or by letting my so-called friend mentioned above speak abusively to me while i said sorry.
in my adult years, i'm conscious of how much stress this causes me and how this is self-inflicted. i've read self-help books, set my clocks and watches ahead, got up 2 hours before i need to be at work. yet still, i am always late. i'm beginning to realize it has to do with my concept of time. to an on-time person, when they look at the clock and see they have 15 minutes before they start work and it takes them 5 to get there, they know its time to go now. me, on the other hand, sees an extra 10 minutes and thinks i could re-organize my sock drawer, or write a post. or take out the recycling. i'm recognizing and being more aware when i do this 'time rationalizing' of sorts but it hasn't stopped the lateness. i'm at a loss for what to do because it seems as though it should be so easy, especially since being late does not serve me in any way. so why am i holding on to such a habit?