vivid

the heat runs through my body and instantly i'm drenched in sweat. white rage flashes in my head, i can't see, unspeakable words lie heavy on my tongue. i'm naked, vulnerable, wanting to flee but my feet are glued to the floor. suddenly, my eyes pop open and i force air into my constricted heart. i hate waking up like this....
for as long as i can remember, i've dreamt heavily, vividly, and with deep emotional resonance. my dreams seem to intensify with the moon cycle also, like when it is coming closer to fullness or i am experiencing my own cycle. its hard not to let feelings that occured in my dreams to linger throughout my day but i can't help but wonder what they mean.
perhaps my new toys, an ipod and speaker set, will offer some distaction as i go on a downloading frenzy.

actually, i'm a road stranger

whew! i've made it 3/4's of the way through mid-terms and the end is in sight. this monday, i began the long and tedious process of orally testing 235 univeristy students. although some of my co-workers greatly advised against this testing method, i decided to pair up my freshmens and have them design a 3 minute conversation. honestly, i've been quite pleasantly surprised as the majority of them actually took the time to study and memorize their lines, regardless of how simple they were. they were also very nervous and when i would clap my hands at the end and say how good it was, the faces were beaming. one student even gave a loud whoop and ran over to hug me, so grateful that it was all over. now, the written tests are another story....yikes!
i've been continuing to work on the inner nuturance i talked about in the previous post without resorting to bread or donuts. what has been working i find is spending time with friends. i had a great week-end in seoul even though i didn't get to cosco, which had been the main plan. jai yoga studio turned out to be this posh place with fantastic atmosphere; the kind of studio i dream of working at one day. shauna and i returned the next day to take a pre-natal class offered along side 7 or 8 other ladies in various stages of pregnancy. it was a bit strange to be there, knowing i wasn't pregnant, but i have recently begun working with a few pre-natal women and wanted to get some experience. it was also fun to share the time with shauna too.
speaking of teaching yoga, i have also started up classes again in sok'cho on fridays (kelly, if you read this, come join us!). i'm doing a class with a friend who teaches at an elementary school in the early afternoon and have decided to hang around to do another class with the old ecc crew. although i was physically and mentally exhausted by the time the ecc class came around (hadn't slept well the night before), i had forgotten what it was like to have advanced students in the class and all the fun crazy stuff you can do. i ended up spending the night at carrey-ann's in my old apartment at ecc-up and had a very pleasant morning sipping tea and chatting with her. we made plans to do some food shopping for baking later and hitting the re-sale shops in the market.
after a relatively painless saturday afternoon trip to emart, we made it downtown where i began to do my infamous 'try-everything-on-and-buy-nothing'. although i do love to shop, most of the time i really don't enjoy trying things on. this day was different. i was willing to put on any ridiculous item of clothing i could slide onto my body, just for a laugh. and oh, did we laugh!
sadly, the baking part of the day wasn't nearly as fun as i repeated another infamous 'jenn' thing; mistaking baking powder for baking soda. shoot. i'm gonna remember that next time, i swear. after scooping out the uncookable muffin batter that had been in the oven for 45 minutes, i gave up and tossed the rest in the toilet with a decision to try again this week.
on a completely different note, i've been spending lots of time researching plane tickets home to canada and planning out yoga teacher trainings i'd like to do while i'm there. i'm getting excited, and a little nervous, about returning home to see all my family and friends. it's been almost two years since i've been there last and i'm looking forward to putting myself into some western culture, wondering if i'll fit in there again. i love living overseas and all the opportunties it affords me but i've been missing being a part of my family, being there for birthdays and christmas', watching my neices and nephews grow up, and to help out when i can. i have a difficult time imagining myself living back in north america, the same way i felt about ever living in asia, so perhaps its time to open back up to the idea. or move to new zealnd. i like that one, too.

toasted...

glancing at my side profile in the mirror, i notice my tummy has been looking more distended than usual. 'hmmmmm', i ponder, 'whats going on?'. could it be all the bread i've been consuming for the past few weeks? probably.
i don't what it is about bread that causes to me to turn to it whenever i'm feeling stressed or heavy-hearted. i've also noted that i experience intense bread-cravings after i teach a yoga class. eating bread, particularly toasted with butter, reminds me of my childhood when my mother would feed it to me whenever i wasn't feeling well or for sunday morning breakfasts. perhaps it's my body's way of reaching out for inner nuturance to replace all that i've given out after teaching.
in doing my best to give myself the highest level of sustenance i can, i'm making a trip into seoul this week-end to catch a few yoga classes, a pedicure and a trip to cosco. i've recently read about a yoga studio called jai yoga that will be hosting an anusara intensive retreat at the end of may and has classes throughout the week-end. i'm looking forward to being the student again to rejuvenate my spirit. i'm also hoping to pick up a inexpensive digital camera from cosco as i've been craving to take photos and get some new pics up on the blog. with the cherry blossoms in full bloom, there will be some pretty asian pics to come. perhaps that will take my mind of bread, too.

.....satya....

....a sanskrit term meaning 'commitment to the truth'. this means when we say something, we are sure of its truth. i've had a great, and somewhat disheartening, personal revelation that i often speak in the second person when i really mean myself. this allowed me to not take any self-responsibility and avoid some painful subjects. i realized when i was saying to those i care for 'i don't want you to feel this way', what i really meant is 'I' don't want to feel that way. why is the truth so hard to speak?
continuing with the subject of commitments, i didn't meet all of mine in the past two weeks but they have inspired some good habits. having greg around got me cooking again and back into veggie mode. he also showed me some simple meditation techniques that work well for me any time. as for the yoga and sweating, those are things i like to do all the time so putting a time frame around them made them not so fun to me anymore. i've decided to go back to simplicity and commit to being present and aware, regardless of whatever i'm doing. that and satya.