petal droppings.....

this past week-end was a whirlwind of rushing about so i could catch a last-minute flight to hong kong to once again study with john friend. i was contacted several weeks ago by vanessa crow, whom i did my teacher training with in thailand last year , and she told me that john was going to be holding a workshop at pure yoga, where her and her husband copper have been teaching for the past two years. i've been exchanging quite a bit of email with vanessa as of late as i put out the word to the asian kula (community) that i'm seeking a full-time yoga teaching job next year and pure yoga is often hiring. vanessa invited me to stay at her place, saying it was a good opportunity to check things out while studying with my teacher. after hearing about last minute flights going to h.k for $300 from a co-worker ,i decided to register myself in the workshop only to be told that it had been full for quite some time. i figured the universe was telling me it wasn't the time to go until i received an email wednesday night telling me pure had moved the workshop to a larger venue and was i still interested in attending. by thursday morning, i had myself booked on a sweet cathay flight and a gluten-free vegetarian meal was awaiting me at 7:45 pm friday.
this workshop was a completely different scene than what was in tokyo, right from the start of the glitzy pure studio to the 150+ yogi's who were attending. the practice room was organic with anticipatory energy when vanessa and i went in to claim our mats yet john still noticed when we walked in and came over to welcome me with a warm hug. the classes that proceeded were some of the toughest i've been in yet and it was wonderful to have vanessa beside me, a highly trained yogini, to give insights and pointers. we laughed, farted, and bitched to each other, just like old times in the a.u.a center in chiang mai and she did a very good job in telling me why i should come to work for pure. she also took me through a tour of the health food and organic supermarkets plus lunch at a raw foods restaurant called 'live'. this woman knows me well.
the time flew by and before i knew it, i was on the plane back to korea. i did manage to meet paveena, the woman who would do the hiring, and patrick, the anusara teacher whom i'd like to study under. paveena let me know that in order for me to be considered for a position there, i would need to tape a class of me teaching, which absolutely terrifies me. yikes. i'm also looking at bangkok as a potential place for work next year and will start applying in the next week or so for something at the end of february. everything is feeling so uncertain now as i leave my past behind and begin to turn to a completely different direction and i pray i'm making the right decisions. note to self; remember to breathe.

love shape monster

here it is, a week before finals, and i'm still marking my mid-terms. i've been putting off correcting my 3rd year junior mid-terms as there were several short essay questions in the format, which means a somewhat tedious struggle to understand what my students are trying to express. upon getting into them, i realized i had forgotten how entertaining they can be. one of the questions on the test was 'describe your ideal date and be specific'. here's what a male student that goes by the nickname 'blurry' wrote;

we would meet and go to the pc room (internet cafe) to play the games
we buy some game items and fried chicken and go to house and make the love shape monster
sadly, this will never happen.....:(

i'm still chuckling over that one. romance lives!!

cadeauxs....

while driving back from sok'cho this evening, i was thinking about a future blog to write when i realized its the year aniversary of starting this site. i then began to remember where i was a year ago and the series of events that lead me to this moment; leaving sok'cho and saying good-bye to greg, the teacher training in chiang mai, the experiences in india, returning to thailand to study with jonas, new zealand to see melissa and say good-bye to greg, greg returning to korea where we once again parted ways only to repeat this event when i saw him in japan in june, the beginning of my new job as an english professor at kwandong uni, teaching more yoga than ever, a trip home to n.america with incredible family times and travel experiences, all leading to this past week in tokyo with john friend. this past year has not been easy as i've tried to determine the path that aligns most with my heart and my direction is still not always clear. but life has put some direct signs in front of me that, when followed, have allowed moments of pure joy and bliss. for these gifts, i send out gratitude.

livin' the dream.....

one of my favourite things about travelling is arriving into an unfamiliar place and feeling as though i will never be able to orient myself. every landmark seems so far apart and there is a slight anxiety that i will be constantly in a state of 'lostness'. along with that though is the excitement of getting out on foot and start exploring.
after flying into tokyo sunday afternoon, i took a bus into shinjuku , by far one of the busiest areas of the nation. the pulsating neon is home to the 5-day anusara immersion with john friend that began yesterday. i was lucky enough to find a place to stay that was under $100 a night, a score in fact, as i would be sharing an apartment with a few others that included a kitchen and laundry. it is also only one subway stop away. big, big, score. i left the apartment 75 minutes before the class was to begin but finding the studio was a difficult task. alas, the universe guided me along the way and before i knew it, i was seated amongst the yogi's and john, trying to get my heart rate slowed down from my hike to the location, and writing down two reasons why i study, as per requested by john. he only gave a a 2 or 3 minutes and i wrote what came to mind quickly. before i was finished, i heard my name called and john asked me to read out my thoughts. yikes. 52 pairs of eyes turned to me, including one of the greatest yoga teachers in the world. i was terrified and my heart was rapidly coming up my throat. . i swallowed hard and began to speak much what i wrote about in the previous post; how yoga helped me shed my outside layers so that i could truly see my essence. whew. after i finished, there was a small round pf applause and john intricately wove my words into the lecture he was teaching throughout the rest of the morning. i couldn't stop myself frm beaming for the whole day. there i was, almost exactly one year after being introduced to anusara, practicing with the man himself, receiving his adjustments and compliments (he said i was lucky because i had good feet!!!). what a gift! what an honour! what joy!
day two was a little achey. my body was feeling fatigued with all the muscular energy we're putting out, not to mention the length of time we are staying in the poses to really get the proper alignment. i still had an amazing day as i got to know more of yogin's. there is mostly japanese students as to be expected, but there is also 10 of us 'foreigners', most being yoga teachers who work in hongkong, singapore or australia. there are also a couple of san fran guys who've flown in for the week, one of them who knows govinda. ahhhh, the world grows smaller. i was lucky enough to have lunch with today with a few well-travelled japanese women who took me to the most fabulous turkish restaurant. over hummous, baba ganoush and warm, garlicky pita, we exchanged many stories and much laughter. after returning home, i decided to take care of my aches by getting a thai massage just down the road from where i was staying. it was by far one of the best i have received and tomika, the masseus, was more than happy to work deeply and strongly at my throbbing hamstrings. she was wonderful and we even had a small yoga session after she finished with me.
before i left korea, i ran into a friend from sok'cho who is considering moving here in the next year. he asked me to write a post while i was here and share some impressions of tokyo. well, i can say so far that it seems as though everyone speaks some english here and there is every ethinic food you could possibly want. i feel welcome here, its easy to get around and everyone has been willing to help me find my way when i get inevitably lost. i really enjoy the japanese style and the general cleanliness that you don't find in korea although i would miss the easy accessibility to the korean mountains. the aroma of fresh nan from the indian restaurant down the street could possibly win out though :)

human 'being'....

as i sit here surrounded by various ipods and yoga pants in attempt to pack for my trip to japan tomorrow, i have this unshakable feeling deep in my belly that something is my life is shifting. i feel slightly fearful, as i often do faced with change, but there is also a great sense of excitement, like when i was a child admiring our tree on christmas morning and thinking of all the gifts to be unwrapped. thats it. i feel like a present, ready to be tenderly opened.
i'm heading to tokyo for 6 days to study with the master and creator of anusara yoga, john friend. the thought of being in the presence of this man truly moves me. not in a 'movie star/groupie' kind of way but more with deep gratitude for the immense influence this style of yoga has had on me, my perspective, and my direction in life.
it's been a hellish week trying to sort out the time away from my university job. when i first received my acceptance to this course and was informed that a scholarship was available to me to offset the enormous cost, i thought i would never get permission from my school but i had to at least ask. after a two-week wait, the admin's said yes. 8 hours later, they changed their minds again and said no. whoa. at that point, i had already confirmed my arrangements and was faced with a decision; cancel the trip or face the possibility of not being re-signed next semester. luckily, i didn't have to verbalize my decision as the admin's came back a day later and, once again, said yes.
while this was all going on, i made a suggestion to my director's that perhaps i should go talk to the 'higher ups' but was told it was better to let things cool down. i offered to write a thank you letter. this idea also was turned down but then was reversed. seeing a trend here? well, it peaked this morning, less than 24 hours before i'm leaving, when i opened two emails from my directors saying if i valued my job, i had better meet with both of these 'higher ups' before i left. this was suppose to happen sometime between my 9 am to 3:30 pm classes on an extremely busy day for me. after much running around, i was able to track down the 'president' and sit with him for a few minutes in his office. with absolute clarity, i did my best to explain that i was unable to make a choice between my job and yoga because yoga is not something i do, it's who i am. everytime i do a training, workshop or simply step onto my mat, i unravel another layer to get to the inner essence of me and my true nature. it's in that place where i find my 'juice', my rasa, my passion as i continue to open my body, heart and spirit in ways previously incomprehensible to me. it is there where i become a human 'being', not a human 'doing'.

small...

last night, i had a 'fight' of sorts with a friend that i can't stop thinking about. i had dinner plans with this friend and after a bit of bantering on skype, we agreed to meet in 10 minutes at the kalbi restaurant of choice. after closing the computer, i changed my shirt, brushed my teeth and hair, and pulled on a jacket. spying the recycling outside my door on the way out, i picked it up so i could drop it off across the street and then continue on. i was about a block away from the restaurant when my phone rang; it was the friend and he was furious. 'wtf are you doing?,' he spat out. 'you were suppose to be here 10 minutes ago!'. as he continued to curse at me, i was stunned while i tried to get an apology in and explain that i was just steps from the place. 'your always f***** sorry and your always f***** late. it's rude and i'm going home!'. click.
i burst into tears after that and cried for a long time. i haven't had that much anger directed at me in a long time and i crumbled under it. i also cried for the guilt i felt because, once again, i was late. it seems as though my whole life i have been late, or stressing about being late, or feeling guilty because of being late. i can remember running down the street when i was in primary school, piece of toast hurriedly shoved into my hand by my mother, chasing after my brother and sisters who walked on ahead quickly with irritation. being late is not new to me. although it embarasses me to write this, my friends back home have something called 'jenn time', meaning that i will probably show up 1/2 hour later than what i said i would. i've continually felt i must 'make up' for my lateness by others means; extra effort at my job, staying later than required, or by letting my so-called friend mentioned above speak abusively to me while i said sorry.
in my adult years, i'm conscious of how much stress this causes me and how this is self-inflicted. i've read self-help books, set my clocks and watches ahead, got up 2 hours before i need to be at work. yet still, i am always late. i'm beginning to realize it has to do with my concept of time. to an on-time person, when they look at the clock and see they have 15 minutes before they start work and it takes them 5 to get there, they know its time to go now. me, on the other hand, sees an extra 10 minutes and thinks i could re-organize my sock drawer, or write a post. or take out the recycling. i'm recognizing and being more aware when i do this 'time rationalizing' of sorts but it hasn't stopped the lateness. i'm at a loss for what to do because it seems as though it should be so easy, especially since being late does not serve me in any way. so why am i holding on to such a habit?

jennastar to the rescue!!!

tonight i climbed up the gas pipes on the side of my apartment building to save a kitty in distress. there is something about a crying cat that sounds like a baby to me and i find myself unable to ignore it. the owner of the cat, my neighbour, is a young uni student who often has dirty laundry and trash spilling out his door. i saw him pacing the hall after poking my head out to see where the noise was coming from. he was on the phone, smoke dangling from his lips, trying to sort out a feline rescue of sorts as the cat had jumped out the window at the end of the hall and landed on the small overhang 8 feet below. he went back into his apartment and i went to peek out the window at the cat. when the kitty saw me, he was all glowing eyes and howled at me to save him. that was all i needed. with a towel in hand, i went outside to see if i could somehow climb up to the cat. spying the pipes, i gave them a quick tug in hopes they would hold me. they had a bit of flex to them but after watching greg climb up buildings this way so many times, i figured he weighed more than me and deemed them safe. good karma, good karma, good karma.....when i reached the cat, he came over to me immediately and began to to purr. i gently wrapped him up in the towel so i could carry him down with one hand without getting my eyes scratched out and felt the kitty shaking frantically. with a few more howls and yowls, we jumped down to the ground, safe and sound. the look of shock on my neighbours face upon openning his door and seeing his kitty in my arms will not be forgotten soon. i think he was stunned i managed to get the cat so quickly. hahaha. little did he know he was living next to secret yoga/climbing superhero!!!! well, for cats anyway :0

love lives....

on saturday, october 6, 2007 at 4:30 pm, hana meyer hylenski was born in sok'cho, korea. holding this beautiful creature in my hands and watching her take in the world for the first time brought on a sense of wonder and hope.

formerly known as a giraffe

here i am, one week after my return from north america and i'm still feeling out of sorts. monday was my first day back at school with a nice ease into the teaching mode by way of short 30-minute orientations for each class. with a promise for a full class next week when all the students return with textbooks in hand, we did some introductions and bade each other good bye.
i don't so much feel like writing at the moment but do feel like sharing some fun i've been having with the photo booth option on my mac. perhaps they will convey how i'm feeling these days.



this is how i must look to some people here by the way they stare at me


this is how i've been walking around since i returned to korea - with the blinders on

my 'edutainer' face, especially prominent during monday 9 am conversation classes

the face i'm actually making on the inside during the monday 9 am class

vata derranged

3:30 am wake-up call from my mother. 5 am check-in at toronto airport. 3 1/2 hour flight to dallas. 12 1/2 hour flight to tokyo. 3 hour flight to seoul. 4 hour drive to my apartment in gangneung with a 2 hour nap at the side of the road. with no sense of grounding, i've landed back in korea feeling dazed and confused. my survival instincts kicked in reminding me of my priorities- water. standing in the grocery store this morning, wearily and tearily looking around for anything that appealed to me to eat or drink and noticing nothing, my brother's parting words sprang into my thoughts; ' see you in a few years'.

juicedfully 2

juicefully

once again, i'm marvelling at the length of time between my posts. its not like i never think about it and practically every night i formulate some story to share. so why don't i write? and why have my posts dropped off dramatically since last february? a simple thing called truth. blogging my thoughts into the computer means i'm hanging it out there for all to read and those that may read it are probably what i'm going to write about since they the closest to me. but what if what i want to write about hurts them?makes them worry aobut me? what if whats fueling my words is thoughts, feeling, and insights to my relationships? this is where the blockages lie. i can only write what comes from my head and heart. if i don't, it feels trivial like i'm giving my itinerary; 'i did this today, and that yesterday. oh, and i'm going there tomorrow!'. blech. so whats to write about then? how can i let the writing flow expressing what i'm truly thinking while being sensitive to those i may be writing about?
'hmmmmmm', i say, pondering that question while staring out at the new york city skyline. even though the sky is clear and the temperature reasonable for the first time in days, i don't feel motivated to do anything more then tap out some words on the computer. i woke up this morning for the second time in a row having dreamt about being bitten. this first dream involved being bitten repeatedly by a snake with a large head and small body that greg threw at me to scare me playfully. the dream this morning was more chaotic; zombie/vampire-like creatures would bite you and leave their mark on you if they thought you weren't telling the truth. i remember shouting out how i stuff myself with food when i'm feeling lonely, bored, depressed or frustrated, in attempt to 'stuff' all the feelings down, the shame of it bringing me to tears, while a particularily scary- yet-somehow-familiar-faced zombie-man with dark eyes and hair loomed over me. oh, what peculiarities lay deep within my sub-conscious.
i was planning to head off today after spending the past 4 days here attending all the anusara and tantra classes at the fityoga conference and virayoga center. i want to spend more time with family and friends before i fly out on the 22nd but i don't feel like getting in a smoking hot car to do the 10 hour drive. i think i'll go for a run through central park instead. heehee, i laugh to myself, in amazement to where to river of life courses.

ps - the photos above are from a 3-hour funfest i took part in yesterday at virayoga studio with kendal, a yoga teacher from oregon and sharron, a teacher from vira. the pics are sharron giving kendal assists into a pose that i can't remember the name of and sharron demo'ing the full effect. apologies for the sideways views but the comp. is showing the pics a the right way up. strang-gee.

ps....lol

after writing the last post, i was feeling hungry and went downstairs in search of some breakfast. while perusing the selections of cereals my father and pauline (my stepmother) had in their cupboards, i spyed a bag on the floor that looked appealing to me. i picked it up to read the ingredients; 'contains 6 grains plus sunflower seeds'. yum. i pulled out a bowl and poured a healthy dose in when my nose began to wrinkle from the smell. i decided to look at the bag a little more carefully and noticed on the OTHER side the name of the cereal; 'multi-grain wild bird seed'. hahahahahahahahahah. maybe it will help me fly through the yoga workshop.

yogini's have two desserts....

last night, i had the devine pleasure of being in the company of yoga goddesses. i've been in contact several times with lauren, the assistant of the teacher training (t.t) in thailand, knowing that we were following similar routes through america in hopes that we might be able to meet up. thanks to cell phone technology and my mother's gps, we squeezed each other warmly in the parking lot of the hotel she was staying at with her parents in asheville, n.c, an hour and a half from my dad's place. also included in this hug was jessica, a fellow pod member from the t.t who, unbeknowst to me, was also in the area. while making plans with lauren on the phone, she mentioned 'jim and jess were there' but we hadn't established that i too knew this 'jim (jess' b.f) and jess' until an hour before i arrived. as the three of us wrapped our arms around each other, we gazed into each others eyes in amazement that the world brought us together once again. after some quick introductions, we piled back into the cars and headed downtown. this was my first trip to asheville and i fell in love instantly. it seemed as though every car had a roof rack sporting some piece of sports gear and the preferred fashion was chaco's and great hair. we went to a happening restaurant called the 'laughing seed', across the street from a climbing shop (called 'climb-max' - luv it!) complete with an outdoor wall (falling further....:), and found of ourselves in the midst of a hip crowd thoroughly enjoying the vegetarian fare. after dinner, the three yogini's went on to a coffee shop where we continued to swap stories, ideas and yoga poses.
i'm off to columbia tomorrow to take part in desiree rumbaugh's workshop this week-end. the first block is three-hour session called 'eye of the tiger'. this is my first time in this type of class which i've heard is an advanced bunch of yogi's getting together to have one, big practice where someone will call out poses but not instructions. wish i could take photos :)

living in macro land

what? new photos? yes, that can only mean i gratefully have a new camera in hand and will be running around south carolina taking photos of everything and anything. oh happy, happy jennifer :)

.....there is only love

'nothing else in this world matters except for love. we must feel love so we can receive it and be generously giving it to others. money, cars, materials stuff, they are not important as there is only love....'. the wisewords from my 92-year old grandmother, catherine van der park. i spent the afternoon with her yesterday in her brampton,ont. apartment. over the past few years, every time i've stopped by her place, she's been out, and i was anxious to spend some time with her this trip. i was in awe of her as she fussed around me, making me some tea and sandwhiches, using her sense of touch as guidance as the cataracs that cover her eyes have stolen almost all of her sight. once satisfied that she had provided me with what i needed, she sat on her 45-year old sofa (looks immaculate but she claims she's going to go through it one day) and stared long and hard at me, apppraising my every detail.'you look tired, yennifer. do you need to sleep?' i managed to dodge the question for the next hour by inquiring about her instead. as i knelt by her feet sitting on floor, i listened to her tell stories about her mother and father back in holland, my grandfathers opinion on alcohol and what life was like for her when she got married at 28. while she spoke, i felt this enormous desire to know everything about her, feeling that this will help in my own spiritual quest to know myself, and i have much to learn from her. eventually she did coax me into have a nap and i fell asleep contently listening to the clack of her knitting needles while she created another warm winter toque for underpriviledge folk. 'what could i do to liveup to the inspiration i felt from her?', i mused while dozing. well, there is only love.....

re-connected in north america

oi vey, i forgot what hangovers felt like :/ a quick post to say i'm off to rochester, new york to meet up with shauna's parents and pick up the car they're lending me. my mother's cousin has also lent me a cell phone for the time i'm here so you can reach me at 864-449-2398. chat soon!

berries? cherries? organic? oh my!!

....mmmmm...braggs, healthy cereal, almond milk, greens+, organic dark chocolate, vietamese food, wheat-free bread, soy pudding...thse are a few of my favourite things i've been indulging in since arriving in downtown t.o late last night. it was an epic 32 hour trip here and i'm still reeling. i can't help but stare at everyone, expecting that i should somehow know them but i'm taking comfort in the large amount of koreans in this neighbourhood. today, while in line at the grocery store, i let a woman go in front of me. when she turned and said 'thank you', the 'kit-che-na-yo' automatically slipped out and she gasped at me. i loved it. i'm hoping to get a sim card soon and hook myself up with a number through my korean cell, which i'll post asap. i am so looking forward to connecting with more of my family and friends also very soon. yes, that means you!! :)

bideting in japan....

once again, i find myself at an airport trying to frantically type out a quick post before my $1.00 per 10 mins. (why didn't i practice in gr. 9 typing class!!!???) of internet runs out. this trip to japan was the best yet. i got to see more of the real side while hanging out with greg in the small city of tsuyama. we didn't get up to much besides cooking up feasts, drinking coffee and scourering the second-hand shops but it was a nice way to start off my summer vacation. i've already made 7 1/2 hour train ride to tokyo airport and i'm looking at another 12 hours on the flight back. boy, that shower is sure going to feel good. see you soon, mom!!!!

it appears you have taken a leave of your senses.....

....by not writing in my blog for over a month. yikes! where did those days go?
i'm sitting in my apartment sipping a beer in last-grade-entered-in-the-computer-finals-are-finished bliss, surrounded by small piles of stuff i think i might like to take with me when i return to canada next week. the hardest part of travel to me is not getting everything together but to actually start putting it in my bags. then its a freeforall as i try to stuff as much as i can in there.
alas, i do have a bit of time before i head to seoul as i will be flying out monday morning to tokyo with a 5-day stopover to have a quick visit with greg and bring him his guitar. i'm looking forward to actually seeing some of japan for a change. although i've made two trips there in the past, its only been for visa runs and some international grocery shopping. then it will be on to canada for two whole months. wow. it feels as though i've just started to get settled after my trip to thailand/india/n.z and here i am putting the pack back on again. how blessed am ito be working at a university.
bryan and shauna, in a tremedous act of generosity, have lent me their car which is in storage in rochester, n.y. i have plans to take a bus over there shortly after i land in t.o to meet up with shauna's folks and pick up the car. yay! i can't wait to be in road trippin' heaven. i have plans for south carolina to see my dad and desiree rumbaugh, head to boulder to hook up with some of bry and shaunas friends for some climbing,on to san fran for yoga study and hopefully a visit to one of my favourite places in the world, bishop, c.a. for some more stellar climbing. actually, as i'm writing this, it all sounds like a lot but just having the freedom and the wheels to go has me jumping around.
i also have big plans to pick another computer while i'm home to take on the road with me so the blog will be updated much more frequently. unless my senses took off again...

huh?

today i was marking some mid-terms to try and stay on top of the mountains of paperwork building up on my desk when i came across this;

my hope is hardly human's figure. the mean hardly is ants. then, the result is very nice. so my hope is hardly human's figure.

hmmmmmm....what does that mean? that was the answer given by one of my third-year students in response to the question 'what are you hopes and dreams?'. i'm tempted to give her bonus points for writing such an intriguing answer.

dirt in my teeth

.....my hands and feet are filthy and covered in black gunk. my hair hasn't been brushed for days and i'm quite certain there is a small family of robins nesting in there. my fingernails have been torn off and i'm bleeding from a small hole on the palm of my hand. another bad dream? nope, just a great week-end of climbing.
this past saturday and sunday, i hooked up with the sok'cho crew to head into unknown climbing territories; daegu. it was bryan's birthday earlier last week and he was keen to get everyone together for a road trip. the numbers were originally high with up to 12 of us going but the draw of a warm bed was too great for many and then there were six, perfect for climbing. we arrived into the park, yu-hak-san, about 2 a.m and hiked around for ages looking for a place to camp. we finally settled on a beautiful grassy, treed spot next a roadside pullover. it was perfect at 4 a.m when we went to sleep but not so great at 7 a.m when the transport trucks began to zoom by, shaking our tents in the distance.
alas, we woke to sunny clear skies and proceeded to have a leisurely breakfast under a canopied picnic table until the boys could resist the draw of the rock no longer. we packed up our gear enough just to lug it all up a steep trail til we found some choice spots under the crag and next to a natural spring. the rock looked interesting; aeretes, dihedrals, overhangs and crimpy, slabby-looking routes, some really short and some quite long with reassuring shiny bolts abound (although more than a few run-out starts). i have only been climbing a few times in the past months and hadn't been feeling much motivation to do so but the sight of the rock stirred up some excitement in my belly. i'm not sure though if it was the anticipation of the climbing or the vast amounts of fabulous food and drinks awaiting us when we finished.

ouch

well, it finally happened; i made one of my university students cry. making students cry is nothing unheard of for me at my past school. some weeks, it seemed like it was happening every day but this is to be expected with young children who are exhausted after a day at public school. a 24 year old student is completely different.
after handing back the mid-term and pronunciation tests monday night, one of the better students in the class came to me during the break and asked me why her grade was so low (she got a 7/10). she told me she thought her english level was much higher then other students in the class and therefore her grade ought to be higher. as i told her that her english was indeed good, that she spoke well and i appreciated her participation in class, she needed to focus on her pronunciation, particularily r and l, an area of extreme difficulty for koreans speaking english. as i gave her my explanation, her face got redder and the tears swelled behind her eyes until she could no longer say anything. i felt so horrible and ready to cave to tell her she could repeat the test again. i had to remind myself how unfair that would be to all the other students and that i felt i marked quite easily as it was. i was surprised at how bad i felt afterwards and its stayed with me til today. i find it hard to mark the students fairly while still instilling confidence in them to be comfortable to speak. ahhhh, the challenges of being a teacher.

vivid

the heat runs through my body and instantly i'm drenched in sweat. white rage flashes in my head, i can't see, unspeakable words lie heavy on my tongue. i'm naked, vulnerable, wanting to flee but my feet are glued to the floor. suddenly, my eyes pop open and i force air into my constricted heart. i hate waking up like this....
for as long as i can remember, i've dreamt heavily, vividly, and with deep emotional resonance. my dreams seem to intensify with the moon cycle also, like when it is coming closer to fullness or i am experiencing my own cycle. its hard not to let feelings that occured in my dreams to linger throughout my day but i can't help but wonder what they mean.
perhaps my new toys, an ipod and speaker set, will offer some distaction as i go on a downloading frenzy.

actually, i'm a road stranger

whew! i've made it 3/4's of the way through mid-terms and the end is in sight. this monday, i began the long and tedious process of orally testing 235 univeristy students. although some of my co-workers greatly advised against this testing method, i decided to pair up my freshmens and have them design a 3 minute conversation. honestly, i've been quite pleasantly surprised as the majority of them actually took the time to study and memorize their lines, regardless of how simple they were. they were also very nervous and when i would clap my hands at the end and say how good it was, the faces were beaming. one student even gave a loud whoop and ran over to hug me, so grateful that it was all over. now, the written tests are another story....yikes!
i've been continuing to work on the inner nuturance i talked about in the previous post without resorting to bread or donuts. what has been working i find is spending time with friends. i had a great week-end in seoul even though i didn't get to cosco, which had been the main plan. jai yoga studio turned out to be this posh place with fantastic atmosphere; the kind of studio i dream of working at one day. shauna and i returned the next day to take a pre-natal class offered along side 7 or 8 other ladies in various stages of pregnancy. it was a bit strange to be there, knowing i wasn't pregnant, but i have recently begun working with a few pre-natal women and wanted to get some experience. it was also fun to share the time with shauna too.
speaking of teaching yoga, i have also started up classes again in sok'cho on fridays (kelly, if you read this, come join us!). i'm doing a class with a friend who teaches at an elementary school in the early afternoon and have decided to hang around to do another class with the old ecc crew. although i was physically and mentally exhausted by the time the ecc class came around (hadn't slept well the night before), i had forgotten what it was like to have advanced students in the class and all the fun crazy stuff you can do. i ended up spending the night at carrey-ann's in my old apartment at ecc-up and had a very pleasant morning sipping tea and chatting with her. we made plans to do some food shopping for baking later and hitting the re-sale shops in the market.
after a relatively painless saturday afternoon trip to emart, we made it downtown where i began to do my infamous 'try-everything-on-and-buy-nothing'. although i do love to shop, most of the time i really don't enjoy trying things on. this day was different. i was willing to put on any ridiculous item of clothing i could slide onto my body, just for a laugh. and oh, did we laugh!
sadly, the baking part of the day wasn't nearly as fun as i repeated another infamous 'jenn' thing; mistaking baking powder for baking soda. shoot. i'm gonna remember that next time, i swear. after scooping out the uncookable muffin batter that had been in the oven for 45 minutes, i gave up and tossed the rest in the toilet with a decision to try again this week.
on a completely different note, i've been spending lots of time researching plane tickets home to canada and planning out yoga teacher trainings i'd like to do while i'm there. i'm getting excited, and a little nervous, about returning home to see all my family and friends. it's been almost two years since i've been there last and i'm looking forward to putting myself into some western culture, wondering if i'll fit in there again. i love living overseas and all the opportunties it affords me but i've been missing being a part of my family, being there for birthdays and christmas', watching my neices and nephews grow up, and to help out when i can. i have a difficult time imagining myself living back in north america, the same way i felt about ever living in asia, so perhaps its time to open back up to the idea. or move to new zealnd. i like that one, too.

toasted...

glancing at my side profile in the mirror, i notice my tummy has been looking more distended than usual. 'hmmmmm', i ponder, 'whats going on?'. could it be all the bread i've been consuming for the past few weeks? probably.
i don't what it is about bread that causes to me to turn to it whenever i'm feeling stressed or heavy-hearted. i've also noted that i experience intense bread-cravings after i teach a yoga class. eating bread, particularly toasted with butter, reminds me of my childhood when my mother would feed it to me whenever i wasn't feeling well or for sunday morning breakfasts. perhaps it's my body's way of reaching out for inner nuturance to replace all that i've given out after teaching.
in doing my best to give myself the highest level of sustenance i can, i'm making a trip into seoul this week-end to catch a few yoga classes, a pedicure and a trip to cosco. i've recently read about a yoga studio called jai yoga that will be hosting an anusara intensive retreat at the end of may and has classes throughout the week-end. i'm looking forward to being the student again to rejuvenate my spirit. i'm also hoping to pick up a inexpensive digital camera from cosco as i've been craving to take photos and get some new pics up on the blog. with the cherry blossoms in full bloom, there will be some pretty asian pics to come. perhaps that will take my mind of bread, too.

.....satya....

....a sanskrit term meaning 'commitment to the truth'. this means when we say something, we are sure of its truth. i've had a great, and somewhat disheartening, personal revelation that i often speak in the second person when i really mean myself. this allowed me to not take any self-responsibility and avoid some painful subjects. i realized when i was saying to those i care for 'i don't want you to feel this way', what i really meant is 'I' don't want to feel that way. why is the truth so hard to speak?
continuing with the subject of commitments, i didn't meet all of mine in the past two weeks but they have inspired some good habits. having greg around got me cooking again and back into veggie mode. he also showed me some simple meditation techniques that work well for me any time. as for the yoga and sweating, those are things i like to do all the time so putting a time frame around them made them not so fun to me anymore. i've decided to go back to simplicity and commit to being present and aware, regardless of whatever i'm doing. that and satya.

commitment...

i was chatting the other day with a fellow yogin i met in pai when he mentioned the big 'c' word. he told me about this men's group that he has belonged to for a few years now and how they make these outspoken commitments to each other, usually dealing with issues or ways to improve their lives. they can be about anything from commiting to 30 minutes of meditation a day, to practicing their music, to not smoking any pot for the week. the way govinda-the-yogi explained it was that by speaking out the intention thus made it accountable to the members of the group. if a member was not following through on his intentions, the group would call him on it and demand an explanation. govinda felt that by having to answer to the group gave him the motivation to achieve the goals he set out and to be impeccable with his word.
after pondering over this conversation for a few days, i mentioned it to nasra, a friend and co-worker from kwandong. it seems as though everyday she's expressing the desire to improve her health by eating better and doing some excercise so i suggested we make some commitments to each others. she told me she would hold me accountable but she already foresaw failure on her part and wasn't willing to make any declarations so i've decided to take it on myself and you, the reader, whom ever you are. here are my commitments for the week;

15 minutes of meditation and breath work (pranayama) - 6x/week
60 minutes on the yoga mat - 5x/week
SWEAT!!!! for at least 30 minutes - 4x/week
post on the blog - 2x/week
eat a dose of veggies and fruit - EVERYDAY

i actually started writing this post last monday but didn't take the time to finish it until now. its been especilly challenging sticking to the comitments, espcially with greg visiting for two weeks and distracting me with his blue eyes but i'm putting it out there to hold myself to it. anybody else want to join?

professor van der park

.....a.k.a jennifer park, jenna teacher and my favourite, j vd park. these are all the variations of my name that have come up in my short career as a visiting university professor. this past week has been my first experience with actual teaching of the uni kids and its been challenging. i found it intimidating to walk up to the front of a classroom of 25+ students whose ages range from 22 to 27. as i would speak, there wouldn't be a spec of recognition passing over the student's faces and i would get nervous. did anyone understand what i was saying? to make matters worse, when i get nervous, i tend to speak fast and a lot. i also get silly, make faces and jokes with weird voices, the same way i do when i teach children. i seemed to get a laugh out of most of the students and a fair share of eye-rolling. most of my lessons this week were about introductions so i started my classes off by telling them to ask me any 10 questions they wanted to know about me. they asked me everything from the typical (how old are you? where are you from? are you married?) to the unusual (whats you blood type? whats your shoe size?) to the brow-raising (whats your monthly salary? whats your body size? is you hair color you?). a particulary remorse class is my sports leisure group on wednesday at 9 am. this is a class of 24 jocks and one lone girl who looks terrified. trying to get 10 questions out of them took almost 20 minutes but i wasn't letting them get away without trying to make something up. finally, after quite a few minutes of silence with me looking expectantly at them, a athletic-looking guy decked out in full puma stood up and exclaimed 'you...are...beautiful!'. the guy next him scowled and said 'thats not question, thats true'. brown-nosers....

action!

as mentioned in the previous post, i picked up a webcam in japan last week which i've just installed....all by myself....in japanese. this is gonna be fun :)
i also just checked out greg's site and he put up some photos of when we in new zealand together and wanted to share. who knew wine and yoga CAN mix.

connections...

aha! i have finally become accessible in the world again. as of a few minutes ago, my internet was turned on in my new apartment and after getting my alien card sorted out this afternoon, i went straight to buy a cell phone ( 82-10-2203-0521 for international or 010-2203-0521 for local). life has been chaotic, and somewhat lonely, these past weeks with not having a phone or easy access to internet. i find it funny that i didn't mind not having any of those things while i was travelling but now that i'm back in korea i'm craving connection.
speaking of connection, while i was in japan last week on a visa run with lb, we made frequent trips to a gynormous electronics store to check out new toys and cop some free internet. to appease my guilt for doing so much email there, i picked up a headset and webcam for $25. those accessories will go very well with my new favourite chatting site 'skype' so for those of you that use skype also, send me your contact details or add me (jennavanderpark). see you online.

planes, trains and the toastermobile....

....well, here it goes. i've been thinking what i'll write the next time i get online (which is infrequently these days) but keep putting it off as i don't know where to start. if i'm honest, i've realized i've been sulking a bit about my lost camera and memory card, telling myself that the blog isn't any interesting without the pics. so much has happened since i last posted. in fact i've changed countries 4 times since then until i landed where i am now; in a korean smokey internet cafe filled with university students loudly trying to shoot the animatd enemies.
after finishing the last post, i jumped into a van with 8 other yoga students for a 3-hour drive up pai where we would meet with jonas for a week-long retreat. i was feeling tired and withdrawn, not sure if i was up to meeting and connecting with a whole other group of yogi's. when the following morning arrived, i felt refreshed and placed my mat down on the concrete floor to try to warm up my aching hamstrings before jonas arrived. with my eyes closed, i felt the stirring of another mat being placed down beside me. when i peeked out from under my lashes, a familiar smile greeted me; it was masaou, my yoga teacher from taiwan. we embraced each other warmly and marveled how we both came to be studying with jonas in thailand at the same time. it was then that the joy began to flow.
to explain some of my yoga background, masaou was the first teacher i ever studied with about 4 years ago. although i've been practicing yoga for 6 or 7 years now, i could count on two hands how many classes i've attended. the majority of my yoga has been self-practice, books, videos/dvds, and downloaded podcasts. i first met masaou online when i was looking to order david swenson's ashtanga video and mentioned to him that i was looking for some teacher training. he offered me a one-to-one program during the 8-days of my xmas holiday in his hometown of kaoshiung, taiwan. this was an exhausting but strengthening week and masaou was very pleased with my quick progress. the next time i was to see masaou was in july of last summer when i was once again seeking some teacher training guidance. on my way to the airport, i glanced through the latest yoga journal and noticed an article containing pics of a woman with a look of sheer bliss on her face as she demonstrated poses. as i read further, i noticed it was an anusara yoga article and made a mental note to look into what anusara was all about when i had a chance. i had upped my ashtanga practice before going to see masaou and was anxious to show off my progress in the first series when we met again, but he informed me within our first few minutes in his studio that he was no longer practicing ashtanga, a style he practiced for 10+ years. what??? 'anusara, jennifer', he said. 'have you ever heard it?'. i had to smile. big. it was then that he told me about jonas and sara, how he had studied with them in thailand, had brought them over to taiwan and how anusara had completely changed his practice. he also told me they were having a teacher training in november and gave their contact details.
so that is how it came to be that i practiced next my first yoga teacher with joy and deep honour at his presence beside me. several times throughout the retreat, jonas had us partner up in poses to give hands-on and verbal assists. how grateful i felt every time masaou looked to me to be his partner, that i had the opportunity to give back to him, and every compliment he paid me for my improvements, i bowed my head in humility and graciousness to one of my teachers.

gutted...

after leaving the net cafe where i wrote my last post, i wandered the streets of bangalore in search of last minute indian treasures and ayurvedic supplements. i've discovered i really don't like the bigger cities in india and it is in them that my view of my surroundings changes from appreciation of diversity to 'get me the f... out of here'.
finishing my last delicious indian meal, i made my way back to the train station where i had stored my overstuffed backpacks for the day. struggling under the weight and awkwardness of them, i caught a rickshaw to the airport to find a long line up outside the international departures building. this wait gave me chance to do some organizing and i started to deal with the stuff hanging off the packs. i pulled off one sandal and realized the other was no where to be found. ahhhhhh. those sandals had served me well in my three years of travel and i thought it a shame that i hadn't lost both of them at the same time. at least then someone would have had a pair of shoes in a country where there are many that live without any. i walked around with one in my hand for a while before i was ready to give up on it but decided to leave it in a conspicuous spot in case the other turned up somewhere.
while in the security line-up, i met a new zealand man who had also been travelling through india for the past few weeks. we ended up being sat next to each other and proceeded to swap experiences and stories. the time past quickly with the conversation and 20 minutes before the plane was to land, i reached for my carry-on bag to retrieve my camera and show off some climbing photos. no camera. this time, a slight heart sinking feeling. ahhhhhhhh. non-attachment, non-attachment. i remember seeing my camera in my bag before getting in the rickshaw and i only gave my bag up when it passed through security. again, an even larger, in fact, enormous heart-sinking feeling. seeing my camera missing also made me search for my card reader. not there. wracking my brain, i remembered i had last used it to upload some photos in bangalore....which meant it was still there....with the memory card still in it....and all my 300 photos of india. now i'm wanting to cry, badly.
i realize as i'm writing this, i'm being very dramatic with all my .....'s, but its the memeory card i can't seem to let go of. upon realizing my mistake, i've been asking every remotely indian-looking person in bangkok if they are from bangalore or know anyone who lives there. there was one guy from the guesthouse i stayed at who took down all the details of where the net cafe but i'm not feeling to hopeful about that. indians are very kind people, hate to see you upset and will often say whatever they think will make you feel better. i've also been in touch with my mysore contacts, asking them if they know anyone in bangalore or can help.
i'm surprized at how much i've missed having my camera. my relationship with a photographer (ie greg) has given me a whole new appreciation for the way i look at the world and trying to capture those visions with a picture is something i really enjoy. i've made a mental promise that i will do whatever i can to get the card back and when i feel i've done my best, i will let it go.

bouldering in hampi

it has been much too long since my last post so after arriving into bangalore this early a.m from hampi, i've decide to waste the day away in a swanky net cafe. this is my last day in india and i leave with a lightness of heart and joyous expectation of my return. i've spent the last few days in hampi, a small town made famous by the numerous ancient ruins and the amass of spectacular boulders. i remember seeing hampi in a chris sharma climbing video, pilgrimage, and i made a mental note to make it there some day.
i had originally planned to spend my final two weeks on the beach in goa and perhaps make a trip over to hampi for 2 or 3 days. i have been carrying my climbing shoes around for over two months and was hoping to put them into use at least once on this trip. after a week in goa, i was more than ready to leave. the beach and food were wonderful, some of the locals friendly, but the disrespectful westerners there made me nauseous. a rickshaw driver told me once that goa 'is not india' and i can see this now. it's been almost 30 years since the portuguese gave up their colonial rule over this small province and i was hard pressed to find any indian culture. its a 'package-tourist' kind of place (even though i was suppose to be on the 'idyllic' beach - lol) where most of the tourists i saw had no idea or regard to what was ok and not ok in india. i felt ashamed to be an all-consuming westerner once again and going to hampi and meeting some climbers was a welcome relief.
while in hampi, i met a woman named 'begum' who rented out huts, and all the gear needed for bouldering. sitting around the large table outside her simple house, i met several long-term climbers like hari (who has done up a topo for the place)and mathias. these guys come around oct/nov and stay till the 'hot' comes, about mid-feb. i spent quite a bit of time at begum's, drinking coffee and swapping stories with her about family, life and love. her stories particularly touched me, bringing me to tears at times, as i listened. when i asked her how she got into the climbing business, she explained to me that she had been married to a new zealand climber for 16 years and that they had two children. when i asked where he was, a veil of sadness clouded her eyes and she said that four years ago, he had went over to visit a friend and never came back. the police went looking for him a few days later and found his clothes scattered along the road side, his body buried under a pile of stones a day later. begum said several times that he was a good man, with good health, and that she thought someone had given him drugs. she was never given any other explanation for what happened to her husband and the police were no help. she brought me into her house to show me some of his paintings, scenic water colours, and the two canvases that were left unfinished. so sad.....
she went to tell me that 2002 was an especially bad year as a month after her husband disappeared, her 20 year brother was killed in a rickshaw accident and both her oldest brother and brother-in-law disappeared. the disappearances were the same stories; both were good, hard-working men who left their jobs for the day to return home but never made it there. there were no answers for why.
i was speechless. death and the loss of a loved-one is never easy to deal with but at least there is some finality to it. how can one possibly accept and move on with all the questions left? begum said these kinds of happenings were very common in india but mostly with children. parents take a chance by letting their kids go to school everyday, as many of them must travel hours by bus to reach the small village schools.
after her husband's death, hari, the aforementioned climber, designed the topo, had all the climbers donate their old shoes and pads, and got the word out on the net that begum was the one to see if you wanted info on the bouldering. hari was an interesting austrian guy. i didn't speak to him much as he deemed me 'not really a climber' after i didn't recognize all the trad route possibilities and hadn't ever climbed on sandstone before. he did give me some creditability though for carrying around my bouldering gear....just in case.


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lucky

these days, i've acquired a new nickname. i stuck with 'jenna' after leaving the teacher training in c.m since it seemed to be easier and i've got an affection for it now, preferring it over the ubiquitous 'jennifer'. since arriving in palolem beach though, sydney and abai, 2 young indian boys working at the coco huts i'm staying at, have coined me 'lucky'. it started with my hut number, 7, and when i said to the boys i must be 'lucky' to be staying there, they laughed their heads off and have taken it quite seriously. the nickname has spread so i'm now known as the 'lucky, who is making lots of yoga'. funny...
this camp of coco huts has turned into a family of sorts as there are a few of us whom have been there for a while (meaning more than 3 days). there is the dutch beauties next door to me that have become close coffee companions, 2 single mothers with a sister and 3 small children between them from the u.k, 2 newbie parisian boys and lars, the amiable german guy with waist-length dreads and a penchant for natural highs. lars' attention has become highly coveted amongst all the single women in our camp and he is often in the center of our circles being offered fruit, a smoke or a back rub. looking over us all is 'mama', the tiny indian woman who is in charge of the huts and keeps a tight watch over the boys working for her.
it's become very comfortable here on the beach, and although there is a lot to do, i find myself laying around thinking about doing something more so than actually doing it. tomorrow is my last day in goa as i will head to the boulders of hampi monday evening, dutch girls in tow. i have a 2-hour session with a catamaran sailor from the u.k tomorrow morning, keeping in with the tradition of learning something new every birthday. i'm a little nervous about being far out in the open waters but there is a good chance we may run into dolphins and maybe even get to go for a swim with them. perhaps they can teach me the finer points of dolphin pose.

happy birthday meggie!!!

to my sweetest niece meighan,

happy 21st birthday!
you are a beautiful soul and i'm so blessed to have you in my life. i wish you much love and many belly laughs on your special day and all your days to come. i miss you and love you very much.


xoxoxoxox

thinking of you.....

waves...

i think in a previous life i was a fish or a seaside palm tree because there is something about the ocean that makes me feel so good, so alive. i knew as soon as i woke at 5:50 am on the train in margao, goa that i was once again near the sea just by the feel of the air. it felt like home. i arrived yesterday into goa after an amazing overnight train ride from mysore to margao. i was a little nervous about traveling on the train alone after having been warned by other westerners and indians about possible dangers. the train was thankfully mostly empty and i shared the compartment with a distinguished-looking indian man and a lovely family with a 9-month old gorgeous baby. it was such a luxury to be watching the sites and scenery fly by me as i lounged on the bench/bed seats by the window, not to mention the boys who came by with coffee and snacks every 10 minutes or so.
after collecting my heavy, gift-laden bags, i met a friendly man who offered to take me to palolem beach on the back of his motorcycle (for way too much money of course ;). i decided to accept a ride to the local bus station but once on the back of the bike, the warm wind in my face with the sky turning pink from the impending sunrise, i decided it was a great way to see some of goa and relaxed into the hour-long trip to the beach. the man took me to a 'friends' place, which consisted of some very-basic palm thatched huts steps away from the water. after dropping my bags, i couldn't resist the urge to walk in the sea and watch the sun come up over the hills while i washed away the remaining mysore city dust.
this morning i got up and went for my first run in over two months. i was barefoot and bare-bodied, wearing only shorts and a sports bra, enjoying every rhymthic step in the warm sand. after going a few lengths of the beach, i jumped onto my yoga mat facing the horizen and had one of the best self-practices. although the beach is far from deserted, staring out into the ocean seemed to energize my focus and concentration as i moved myself through the asanas. with a quick dip in the water and a bowl of organic fruit, musuli and curd (plus coffee - yum), i can't stop smiling. i feel healthy again and so thankful for my parents for bringing me into this world of abundance and beauty.

pics from bylakuppe, tibetan settlement in india

happy birthday!!!

...after putting up that last post, i realized the date and that it is my brother chris' and my grandmother catherine's birthday. i sending you both lots of love on your special day and looking forward to talking to you soon. i love you. j xoxo

quest for the singing bowl

i've just returned from my second trip this week to a tibetan settlement three hours outside of mysore. penni, hiroko, alice and myself made the bumpy bus trip last saturday in pursuit of visiting the famous golden buddha and some inexpensive tibetan treasures. i've been on a personal quest since arriving in india to find four tibetan singing bowls after promising joung-ah, katherine, and vanessa that i would send them each one. these bowls are used in buddhist meditation where a pestle-like stick is brushed along the outside of the bowl til it starts vibrating or 'singing'. this type of bowl was used in the c.m teacher training to bring the group out of savasana (sleeping pose at the end)and it's a beautiful way to come out of deep relaxation.
while shopping in c.m with the 3 girls mentioned above, we came across the singing bowls which were outrageously priced. i suggested that we wait til i got to india where they would certainy be much cheaper and i am suprized to say they have been much more elusive to find than i thought. when i made the first trip to bylakuppe with the girls, we were a bit apprehensive as foreigners are not allowed onto the settlement without a permit. this permit comes from delhi and can take up to 3 months to receive. we had heard many stories of westerners going there with no problems so we decided to take our chances. after the bus trip, the rickshaw driver dumped us off at the gate of the golden temple into the harsh gaze of a tall indian police officer. he took one look at me and asked for my permit and passport, of which i had neither. while batting my baby blues with my most charming smile i explained that we were all yoga students who had travelled from all over the world to visit the golden buddha. couldn't he let us in for just a few minutes?
we were given 20 minutes with a promise to be back before his supervisor came around, which was promptly forgotten as soon as we entered the temples. after wondering around entranced by the beauty and chanting (pics to come soon), we made it back out about 90 minutes later. we tried to scoot by the police to make it to the shops across the street but that gaze spotted us instantly. the baby blues weren't working so well this time but stil managed to give us a bit of time to do some shopping. in the first shop, i inquired about the bowls and was brought a few doors down where my eyes lit up after seeig the bowls displayed on the counter. the beautiful tibetan woman working there had just got the bowl singing when alice came rushing into the store saying the police said we had to go - NOW. i was torn. i finally had the bowls right in front of me and they were beautiful but one look at the tibetan shop keepers faces told me i should take heed to alice's warning. the tibetans told me i better hurry or the police could cause 'big problems'. enough said and we were out of there, bowl-less.
i decided to make a second trip, alone this time, today. i thought perhaps if there was only one westerner, i might have a better chance of slipping by without notice. i had also heard the dalai lama was speaking and was intent on hearing some of his remarkable words. after running around with the rickshaw driver (who knew the word 'atm' is not universal!?) i managed to catch the bus to bylakuppe just as it was pulling out. i sat down in a free seat next to hip-looking indian guy who spoke english and gave me lots of helpful tips about where to get off the bus. as the bus trip went on, i thought back to when i first landed in bangalore terrified and marvelled at how quickly i have become comfortable in such a chaotic place. upon landing in bylakuppe once again, i had the requisite arguement with the rickshaw driver about price to the settlement. i had to walk off rather than be over-charged until he realized i wasn't going to cave and came and picked me up. he seemed very sly and nervous and kept asking me if i had my passport and permit. i was insisting yes, i did, and feeling guilty about my dishonesty. he snatched the money out of my hand and quickly sped off when we got to the police check point. i was nervous. would i go to jail over the dalai lama and a singing bowl?
this time around i barely even got a glance by the police. there were hundreds of tibetans milling around the temples as loud speakers were broadcasting the dalai lama's speech. i quickly found a spot with a group in a shady spot under a tree and sat down. now, sa i think i've mentioned, meditation is not something that has come easily to me. it's so hard to quiet my mind and stop all that 'planning, planning, planning'. oh, vata me! but for some reason, the urge to close my eyes and concentrate on the dalai lama's words was overwhelming. i couldn't understand anything he was saying as it wasn't in english but when his deep, melodic 'aum' came rumbling out of the speakers, i felt like i was in a trance. there were kids screaming all around me, families having pinics, yet i felt i was in the deepest, calmest meditation ever. it felt effortless despite the concrete beneath my body. i could have stayed for hours but i was constantly aware of the roaming police and thought it best to leave early.
at the gate, i met a indian-born tibetan man and his infant son. i asked him where i could buy the singing bowls and he told me all the shops would be closed for the next few hours while the shopkeepers were at the temples. he brought me into town, known as camp 1, where i had a drink and waited around to see if the shops wuold open or not.
alas, an hour later, a man came over to ask me what i was looking for and explained that the shops wouldn't re-open to day and to come back tomorrow. sigh. i don't think i'll be able to make the trip before i leave to goa on sunday so i'll keep my fingers crossed i come across them there.

ps- i'm practically falling asleep writing this so i apologize for the errors and rambling sentences.

egos and icons

i've received a lot of love and supportive emails recently in responce to my second last post. when my mother's message said i sounded depressed and sick, i was a little embarassed at revealing my emotions so openly. while i was writing that post, i was speaking directly from my head and heart, trying to sort some things out. i was also having a bad day.
after taking some time to ponder my my thoughts and feelings, i came to a few realizations. as i've stated previously, this trip was me seeking yogic education and guidance on my spiritual path. the time i spent in the teacher training course in c.m was everything i was seeking and fabulously rewarding. when i continued on to india, i somehow thought that just by being in this country, the birthing ground of yoga, i would magically and effortlessly be transported to enlightenment. after attending several yoga classes in mysore, it's apparent that yoga is a big money business and the passion of yoga is coming from the students who have travelled around the world to be here, not from the rich teachers. i've also found it difficult to go from one style of teaching to something completely contradictory and its created a feeling of unrest in me.
another big realization was the suffering my ego was creating in me. i had built this image of myself of what i would be like at this point in my life. i thought that after all the yogic teaching i had received, i would have been transformed into the perfect yoga goddess; effortlessly maintaining deep, calm breathing....while in a handstand..with 5% body fat. when my body began to break down and lose its strength, i felt angry and resentful towards myself for not living up to be as good as i thought i should be. what kind of yoga teacher was i going to be if i wasn't able to perform 'perfectasana'?
today while in the city circle waiting outside an atm booth, an elderly indian man asked me how i felt about india and how my spirit felt about india. i told him i was torn between love and frustration. when he pressed me for thoughts, i told him how a typical conversation will go with an indian person.

me: 'do the chillies come on the naan bread or are they on the side?'
indian: 'yes, madam.'
me: 'so they are on the bread?'
indian: 'thats right.'
me: 'do they come on the side?'
indian: 'you are correct, madam!'

this conversation can go on for hours but i usually give up and hope the best. whats been hardest for me to deal with is the disrespect from the indian men, unless i'm wearing my dollar signs halo. i've been poked, fondled and pushed out of a waiting line like i wasn't even there, which can all be excruciatingly frustrating. yet then something will happen that causes me to smile again, like the man in the bookstore today. i went to pick up a book i had ordered (rumi's poetry - amazing!) and found that i didn't have enough money to pay for the book and catch a rickshaw home. 'take the book and pay me when you when you come back', the shop owner said. he then invited me to take part in the families friday evening puja, allowed me to pass my hands through the flames for good luck and gave me a banana and a book on tantra. i was stunned. the contrasts of this vast country is what makes up the beauty around and i am blessed to be part of it.

happy birthday punchy

to my yang...
i send you many birthday wishes across the oceans between us.
i hope for today, and all your days to come, to be filled with love.
may you be happy,
may you be healthy,
may you live in peace,
may you live with ease....
i look forward to seeing your smile again.
xoxo

missing my yang and greens

2nd optional title; yoga'd out
3rd optional title; my yoga practice is falling apart so i ate half a loaf of bread
4th optional title; ok, it was the whole loaf

something strange is going on with me, beyond the constant rumbling in my lower belly. for the past three days, my yoga practice has consistently gotten worse and worse, my body weaker and weaker, and my thoughts angrier and angrier. i don't understand where this anger is coming from. life in mysore is almost perfect, really. tons of yoga around, great food, interesting things and people to look at, a kitchen to cook in and cheap internet. so why do i feel angry when i go to yoga class, like i want to stop my foot and say 'i don't wanna do it!'?
i thought it was because style of class i had been attending; ashtanga with very firm adjustments. when i started to dread the teacher coming over to touch me, i knew it was time to find another option. on the praise of alice, i went to see her teacher, bharath, who is teaching yoga classes influenced by iyengar and sivananda. when i chatted with him, he spoke of alignment with awareness throughout the asanas, the first time i've heard those words since thailand and i was sold. my stomach seems to have settled into a regular purging schedule; 4 am - 8am and then again about 6 pm - 8 pm, allowing me just enough time to get a class in and some lunch. when i arrived at 8 am this morning, there were only two other students. bharath starts you off with his 'foundation' course, meaning you start from the basics, the sun salutations. he broke down the movements for me into steps and had me repeat them 12 times. then we moved into some easy standing postures and again held them for 9 breaths. what a difference from the fast-paced ashtanga i have been doing. i actually found it just as challenging. my body wanted to come out of the pose at breath 8 but i made myself stay til 12. thats when i started to feel angry. not at anything or anyone specific but like i wanted to stomp out of there, go home to pack my bag and get out of mysore and all it's yoga, yoga, yoga. has this ever happened to anyone else out there?
i can't decide if i'm feeling this way because i've been sick, i'm missing greg, my friends and family or if i need a break from yoga. i told myself when i came on this trip that i would absorb as much yogic teaching as i could, even when i didn't want to, as i would regret it if i didn't when i return to korea where there are no yoga classes for me. i'll continue on with bharath in the mornings and try to explore these feelings a bit further to see if i can trace some meaning behind them. ...loving kindness (finger pointed at me)....loving kindness....